Follow by Email

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Greatest Blog Ever Posted - (Tribute)

I don't want to oversell it, but I'm currently working on "The Greatest Blog Ever Posted"*.  It is so epic that it may cause divorce and jail time before it's completed.


*by me


This morning, because no time ever seems to be any less inconvenient, (boy was I wrong about that) I attempted to transfer some video that Leslie took of the kids playing with me over to my phone (so I could load it onto blogger).  It's a big video. . . like three minutes. . . so it was taking "longer than it should".  "Longer than it should" is code for, "I'm starting to get pissed off and stressed out. " 


Let me elaborate on that.  Any time I leave the room or occupy myself doing some stupid simple little thing, I do it without telling anyone what I'm doing.  Why would I tell them?  It's just this stupid little thing and it will take no time at all, and plus, they are not the boss of me.  


So I walk out of the room, let's just say for example, to start downloading an audiobook to my phone.  The downloading takes quite a while, but I'll only be gone for a second.  In the example, the library has sent me an email notifying me that the book is ready.  All I have to do is log in, download the zipped file to the PC (which is 30 seconds max) then let it unpack into Overdrive.  I walk away during the unpacking process because it takes a half hour.


Invariably, though, the universe tosses some ridiculous curve ball at me.  I log into the library's page and click the button to download, but when I open Overdrive, I have overdue books (meaning it tells me they're being deleted). . . so it deletes them.  Then it informs me of an update.  I sweat a little at this. . . it's going to take a TINY bit more time, but click the button.  It downloads. . . installs. . . perhaps a little slower than I'd like.  I start glancing at my watch, then back at the little progress bar, then back at my watch.  It's only a matter of time now before I hear "The Voice".  It's a ticking time bomb really. . . I go to open the file, but the new update has changed my default location so I can't find the downloaded book.  Shit shit shit. . . 


"Jiiiiiiiim?  What are you doing?" comes The Voice from the other room.


This almost always stresses me out, because I recognize that while I'm in the office fucking around on the stupid Overdrive interface, Leslie is "handling" something solo.  Maybe I even hear it start to escalate in the other room and start involuntarily drumming my fingers on the desktop muttering, "come on. . . come on. . . " under my breath, praying for things to calm down.


And I don't want to have to answer The Voice, because, goddamnit, you're not the boss of me, Voice!  I'm free!!!  But it's not fair that she's handling something without me, ignorant of when or if I'll be there to help her and this whole fucking problem wouldn't even have existed in the first place if this 30 second process wasn't taking "Longer Than it Should".


So stress happens and then I snap, because it's easier to yell back, "ugh!  I'm on the computer, I'll be there in a second!" dripping with attitude that would make an angst-ridden adolescent proud, than it is to just give it up as a bad job and do it when we're not "handling something".


Alright, so you get the context in theory.  This morning I was trying for the third time to do something that shouldn't have taken any time at all and failing, because the stupid message with the video attachment kept timing out even though I was only sending the video in parts (so that it was message-able).  And so I had an epiphany. . . upload to my youtube account.  Except that I forgot my login and password and while I was trying to remember them, typing variations on a repeating theme, the time bomb tick tick ticked itself down to "Jiiiiim? What are you doing?" and then I got all pissy.


"What are you doing?" she asked.


"Ugh, I'm trying to upload a video so I can use it in a blog!" 


"I need your help here.  I need you to engage."


*whithering glare*  "Engage what?  You're feeding Lily, Emma's feeding herself."


"Isn't there some other time you could be doing this?"


*Incredulous glare*  "Like when?  Like when I should be doing the taxes?  Like when I should be putting kids to sleep or packing lunches?  When is a good time?"


Happier days. . . soooooo long ago.  I KID!!!
Things escalated to the raised voice stage, at which point Emma started getting weepy and I realized I was really in a fight about nothing, and calmed myself and told Emma everything was fine.  And Emma (god bless her. . . REALLY. . . ) said, "I don't like when you talk to Daddy that way, Mommy, and Daddy, I don't like when you talk to Mommy that way." 


And so we gave each other perfunctory apologies** and Emma went to brush her teeth.


** sidebar. . . here are some examples of perfunctory apologies:
"I'm sorry your feelings got hurt."
"I'm sorry you got angry at that."
"I'm sorry if you were offended."


Essentially you're "apologizing" that the other person is such a sensitive wussy and throwing a meaningless tantrum.  


So we finished our perfunctory apologies, then got into a brief fight about what a dodge perfunctory apologies are, then exchanged actual apologies***


***sidebar. . . her are some examples of actual apologies:
"I'm sorry I chose this moment to try to do this.  I'll try to find a better time when we're not so busy."
"I'm sorry I keep harping on you about trying to transfer this file, I know it's frustrating to you."


And we kissed and made up, so totally averted the divorce crisis.   The jail time crisis thing was just a natural extrapolation of the whole over-dramatization of "not having any good time to do it" because I used the example of doing the file transfer instead of the taxes, and in my mind, the IRS would come and haul me away in chains for tax evasion and I'd shake my fist at Leslie while she stood with our crying children and rage over my shoulder as they stuffed me into the police cruiser, "DO YOU SEE???  THIS is what happens when you don't let me transfer the files while we're getting ready for daycare!!!!  CURSE YOUuuuuuu!!" And the police cruiser would drive away and the neighbor wives would be out on the stoop in their curlers and bathrobes (because it's totally the 60's) mouthing "oh my" and covering their shock with a demure hand to to their lips.


So no jail time, and no divorce. . . but I also didn't get the file transferred.  


I asked Twitter. . . how the hell do you transfer pics and videos to your hard-drive from your iPhone and after several responses, got a great suggestion from Insatiable Booksluts, which was a program that allows your PC to look at your iPhone as if it's a removable hard drive.  (which, frankly, your PC should be able to do ANYWAY)


Okay. . . 1) understand that the only reason I want to know how to transfer files to the PC is because I want to upgrade my wife's iPhone to Cloud (essentially IOS 5.0).  If she was on Cloud then I'd already HAVE the damn video, but also because I have more than a thousand pictures on my phone and A)  It's really hard to find stuff because of all the stuff I have to wade through to get to it, and B)  I want to clear up some of my memory.


Now I have a game plan.  Tonight. . . sometime after the taxes, laundry, lunches packed, kids put to bed, etc, I will backup my wifes pics and videos to the PC, then upgrade her to IOS 5, then upload the video to the Greatest Blog Ever Posted*, and then sometime in the next day or so I'll hit "publish".  


*by me


And then. . . unless I'm greatly overselling this. . . you will read The Greatest Blog Ever Posted*


*by me

43 comments:

  1. I am super-excited about The Greatest Blog Ever Posted.

    Also, I'm glad you're not getting divorced or going to jail.

    And aw! Look at you and your lovely wife! Hi, Jim's lovely wife!

    You have PLENTY OF TIME to do your taxes. A month and a half. I'll warn you when it's getting close. You'll know by how insane I start to get because people here are starting to scream at me. Promise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i USED to get it done on about Feb 1st. . . since the company never got me their statement until THE ABSOLUTE last day of January. Then I'd jump on it and break its neck and email the return THAT DAMN DAY. But no more.

      Delete
  2. I am COMPLETELY RIGHT THERE WITH YOU on two counts, one being the frustration of sitting down to do "just one thing" and then having to sit through a bajillion updates (seriously--I'm so glad I logged into Skype early today, because guess what? It had an UPDATE and I have an interview appointment at 2. If I had been late to that, I would have been MIGHTILY PISSED).

    Also, right there with you being interrupted while you're deep into something. Having Asperger's, I tend to get SUPER FOCUSED and pulling my attention away is difficult and generally gets rewarded with sharp words and naked hate-glares. Husband gets a little attention-needy at times, and interrupts me frequently if we're both home and I'm doing something (read: on the computer) and not paying attention to him. And with the powers of an Aspie, I ignore the hell out of him. This has been a point of contention since forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you ever daydream about shaking your fist at him as they drag you off to jail?

      Delete
  3. I just have to say that I now see how much Lily looks like her mama! Such a cute photo of the two of you! And I'm quite confused by the whole transfer thingy but am quite excited to see the video, so hurry up already! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yep. . . Lily favor Leslie and Emma favors me. It's a nice arrangement.

      Delete
  4. Gah, I have the same frustrations with uploading crap to my blog. And I have the cloud, but my phone is constantly telling me it can't access my cloud, and the whole thing pisses me off to no end. I'm glad you're not getting divorced, but a little tax evasion jail never hurt anybody.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Or maybe just The Longest Rambling Blog Post Ever... :)

    God, your wife is a saint. Cute pic, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahem. . . THIS is not the Greatest Blog Ever Posted*. THIS is the Greatest Blog Ever Posted TRIBUTE.

      *by me.

      Ass.

      Delete
    2. That's Mrs Robot ASS, to you

      You aren't the boss of me.

      Delete
    3. I think Mrs. Ass Robot is funnier.

      Delete
  6. I am anxiously awaiting the Greatest Blog Ever Posted...

    And I had to laugh because I am sure that my husband has played that same inner dialogue in his head.

    Emma is great!

    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so glad that Hubz is technologically adept...I don't have pateince for all of that stuff!! Glad you got some direction! I'm eagerly anticipating this "best blog ever written"*
    Hope the evening goes to plan so we can see what all the hype is about!

    *by you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not inept, which I recognize is not the same as adept. . . but if there's an IT department in my house. . . I'm its sole employee.

      Delete
  8. Hahahaha! I loved this! I wait with much anticipation for this blog post. Please don't go to jail before it happens.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm just glad you didn't write the greatest blog post in the world so a demon wouldn't eat your soul and then forgot to save it. That would have been a bitch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I KNOW! Although that may be the lead in to the Greatest Blog Ever Posted. That i didn't save it and couldn't remember exactly how it was written.

      Delete
  10. Greatest Blog Ever Posted? It's somehow about tea, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I. . . um. . . well no. I'll try to incorporate tea into it somehow. Hmmmm

      Delete
  11. Um, okay...so should we waIt right here? I should probably ring my own popcorn, but are you providing beverages? Good luck with all of that stuff I couldn't possibly begin to understand with all of the techno-talk!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. And NO! I will make the popcorn because that is my special talent. BYOB.

      Delete
  12. Just so you know, you have the same computer problems as my husband. He loves to hate it and swears no technology will be smarter than him. This invariably leads to spending an inordinate amount of time in the office, cursing at the machine and me telling the kids to stay away so they don't hear his musings and pick up his foul language. And if you believe my kids bad language comes from my husband then I leave a happy girl. Hahaha!!!

    Good luck with the file transfer. Should we wager on it? Like you have to do a guest post if you don't get it done by Friday????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I only take wagers I know I'll win. So. . . yes. Let's wager; I did it last night!

      HAH! How DARE you question Mr. Lizbeth and my technical skillz.

      Delete
  13. Oh Jiiiiiiimmmmm. What are you doing?? I need you to engage here. Get that greatest blog post ever written* (*by you) done. I mean, really. What ARE you doing??

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm a bit suspicious of the cloud. It seems to be following me. I have had good luck using Evernote, btw. It seems to translate between Apple and PC pretty well.

    I loved your description of the fight, but it's kind of eerie, because my husband and I have had that same fight.

    Also, I am having trouble posting comments from my phone. I am reading your blog, I promise!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think everyone has those fights, but it doesn't get a lot of press. I fight almost all of our fights with a dawning realization that it's a stupid misunderstanding and that I'm going to have to apologize. . . and I just KEEP fighting out of pride and embarrassment. Luckily, I'm smart enough that sometimes I can distract her long enough that she thinks it's HER fault and apologizes first. Then it's easier.

      Delete
  15. But technology makes our lives soooooo much easier! /sarcasm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does. . . oh it soooo does! /nosarcasm.

      I'm happy to put up with the little bit of BS regarding the stuff I don't understand in order to mine the wealth of awesome that I do.

      Delete
  16. Glad you're not getting divorced. My husband uses "the voice" when I spend too much time on Twitter. Can't understand it.

    So how long is it going to take you to write "the best blog post ever?" Will there be ten more blog posts of build? Just wondering :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll probably crank it out in an hour or so. But nobody reads new blog posts a day after the last new blog post, so I'll probably write it today at lunch and publish it tomorrow.

      And. . . possibly I oversold the whole "best blog ever". I'll explain tomorrow.

      Delete
  17. Well now there's just so much anticipation built up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. like a balloon, blown too full. . . wait for the pin prick. It's coming tomorrow, I suspect.

      Delete
  18. lmao you sound so much like my husband (who is sitting here wishing herpes to his xbox for zooming when he doesnt want it to zoom)

    Cant wait for the video! I remember my youtube stuff and just upload there. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm irritated with one of the videos currently. It's cocked at a 90 degree angle and I haven't had time to see if I can fix it yet.

      Delete
  19. LOL! That would be ME in the scenario you described. And now, I sit at my computer in breathless anticipation of the greatest blog post ever written (by you). Just me and Nik's badass skull glasses. LOLZ!

    ReplyDelete
  20. So, ummm, how did you sneak into my house and see what our lives are like? How did you know about our lame-ass perfunctory apologies (my personal favorite to say to The Hubs: "I'm sorry you don't understand what I am saying." or "I'm sorry you are such an asshole." Yeah, that second one right there--it's my fave!).

    If the Greatest Blog Post Ever Told is better than this? Count me IN!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm really glad M and I aren't the only ones who do the total cop-put apologies before we get to the real ones. ;-) Can't wait to read the Greatest Blog Post Ever Told* *by you

    ReplyDelete