Happy New Year!

First post of the year and we're only three days in!  The lights are down, the boxes stowed away under the stairs, the faux pine needles are vacuumed and the house looks empty.

We want to remodel our kitchen.  That's such an overwhelming project.  So many things you need to figure out before you can figure out who to contact to help you figure out how much it'll cost and when it can get done.  It's not easy.  

It's hard going back to work again after the last two weeks basically off.  Today was more or less a wasted day.  Time to get back into the habit of going to work.  

Did I tell you that timeouts don't work on Elliott?  They don't.  We stuck with them for a while before we had to fall back on something else...mostly redirection to keep him out of trouble.  Not that he's ever in that much trouble to begin with, but he's verrrrry inquisitive, so he keeps ping-ponging from one thing to the next.  Knife on the counter from cutting strawberries?  He's reaching for it.  Hot coffee?  His fingers are on the handle.  Unguarded electronics?  He's swiping.

No resolutions this year.  Just a sense that I need to stop eating trash.  I'm on the treadmill almost nightly, so working out isn't the issue, but it's a bit counterproductive to eat a bag of chips between workouts.  That's my struggle.  

Lily goes back to school tomorrow.  She had one extra day.  She won't be happy.  Looking for a dentist for her.  Apparently Children's Hospital no longer accepts kids over 12.  This policy change was apparently made last year.  Lily hasn't seen a dentist since the pandemic.  She's due.  I feel like I overused apparently in that paragraph.

Looking for a dentist for me too.  Mine retired three years ago.  So...yeah, probably about due for a cleaning.

Last year I did a Goodreads book reading challenge.  First time I've done one of those in years.  Most of what I read now is Audiobooks.  I can't do a hardcopy book...or at least I can't do them as my primary means of reading.  For the longest time I've put quotes around "reading" when I refer to an audiobook.  It seemed like cheating.  It's not.  I "read" ...no...I READ 62 books last year.  I overshot my goal of 24 (two a month...I thought that was doable) by almost triple.  I just didn't really have a handle on how many books I was reading because I wasn't really tracking it.  

I have recommendations.  I'll do a post about them.  Too much to go into just off the cuff, but definitely read some really good stuff.  Some very interesting, well-written, imaginative stuff...sometimes all in one book!

Tik tok has sort of revitalized my reading.  I follow a bunch of book readers there and watch their reviews and I've picked up TONS of good books as a result.  I realized that one of the reasons I wasn't really reading as much is because Libby (the library app I use to download books) wasn't really showing me new books that I wanted to read.  I needed to get names and search for them, and there they were!  So great way to get reading inspo.  

This year's goal is set at 52.  A book a week.  Doable - since I did more last year - but not sandbagging it.

https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/9106086-jim

2016: Let's Get it Started

2016 started less stressfully than I feared.  When last we spoke, I had this weird seemingly conflicting feeling about not wanting to let go of 2015 because despite it being a big old pile of shit year-wise, it was MY big old pile of shit, and also contained within it my last memories of being with Leslie and holding her hand and kissing her head and saying goodbye. 

And despite my reassurances to myself that in fact December 31, 2015 was "just another day" it carried with it decades of meaning..."this is the last day of this year...you will start anew next year" and starting anew meant starting fresh...with Leslie not by my side.  And that was sucky.

And ultimately...like birthdays or New Years past...when the moment that the old year metamorphosed into the new...absolutely no meaning or feeling or loss or gain was conveyed, just as I'd "known" it wouldn't, and if I was a little more subdued than New Years past, I can perhaps be forgiven, but ultimately, it wasn't as painful to actually realize 2016, as it was anticipating ending 2015. 

If that makes any sense at all.
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Lily has started this new thing where she only sleeps until about 3:30 - 4:30 in the morning every morning.  I'm not in love with it.  The plus is that if I get to her before she's fully awake I can typically lie down next to her and cuddle her back to sleep.  The minus is...she doesn't give any indication that she's actually awake.  I must sleep relatively lightly, because the rustle of sheets and the change in breathing are typically all I need in order to know that when I creep quietly down the hall to check on her I'll find her sitting up in bed smiling cheerfully at me. 

Last night she slept until 3:15 or so.  I fell asleep next to her until about 3:30.  I crept quietly away and slept until about 4:15 when she woke up again.  Lather rinse repeat...I was back in bed by 4:30 until my alarm woke me up at 5:30. 
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We talked at group support about "giving ourselves permission to grieve".  The idea, essentially, that it can't always just be about taking care of the kids emotional needs, we also need to be able to process (I brought up "Oxygen Mask", "please secure your own mask before helping others", that sort of thing).  The facilitator I think made it too black and white.  One of the members in the group was really struggling and I found myself irrationally irritated with the soft-spoken discussion leader and leaping in. 

Everyone in that room is in a "similar" situation.  It's one thing to psychologically give yourself permission to grieve.  To me, that's far easier than the actual "execution".  Yeah, I'm fully permitted.  I've already decided that when I'm sad, I'll let Emma see it, and so what?  Frankly, I think it's good for her to see that I care, and that I'm sad.  I think it normalizes it for her.  Gives her permission to openly grieve too.  That said, it's like anything.  I can give myself permission to have a couple beers at night, but exercising that option means not being able to be 100% if Lily wakes and needs me. 

There are lots of things I can choose to do, but choosing one thing sometimes means avoiding/ignoring/neglecting another.  Life's way more complicated than just...'choosing to do X'.  But I do get that if you are the kind of person who really hasn't allowed himself/herself to grieve...you should.  Even if finding time for yourself is harder than what most people might think.

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I'm going to get a tattoo. 

I'm doing some...soul searching.  I've always wanted a tattoo.  I just never had anything I felt strongly enough about that I wanted to mark myself up permanently.  And then when the kids came...I don't know...I think I just sort of felt it was frivolous.  And it probably is.  But frivolous and having to explain that shit to Leslie...and frivolous and not having to answer to her...well those are two different things. 

I want something that symbolizes a psychopomp.  A butterfly was initially what I was going with.  Then I considered a raven.  Now I'm thinking of an owl.  Apparently the owl is specifically something that is spoken of in Polish folklore as a carrier or guide of souls to heaven, and Leslie was...very Polish.  So it seems fitting.  Also I'm thinking of having "Isaiah 41:10" or part of that text "I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" added because it's something that Leslie drew strength and comfort from, even going so far as to raise her right hand when she would struggle to breathe walking up the stairs to our bedroom so that she could take God's hand and accept his help. 

I'm still a ways off, but I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts or suggestions, even tips for how to work with a tattoo artist to get the design you want, or how to find a really good tattoo artist. 

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Finally...I'm looking at trying to by a laptop shelf for  my treadmill.  I talked about choices above.  Sometimes my choice is to exercise.  Sometimes it's to read.  Sometimes it's to write or play guitar.  But I find I don't have time to choose all of the above.

I want to write more.  If I can do that and get my exercise at the same time?  Well...that's just killing two birds with one stone.  One choice/option I don't have to turn aside from in order to pursue another.

Resolutions

I made two resolutions for 2015:

1)  To chew bubble gum
2)  kick ass

And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Okay, fine...the real resolutions were: 


1)  To write more
2)  To lose the weight I gained back after losing 20 last year (it's about 12 pounds if you're keeping track)

So...resolution 1?  Nailed it, because here it is the first day (REALLY...nobody counts the Friday the 2nd that was a laughable mandatory work day that was sparsely attended at best (except by my group) and CERTAINLY no customers were back yet to trouble my telephone) back from break and I'm writing.  See?  That's called willpower, people.

Resolution 2...I don't know what happened.  Stress eating?  Sometime after I lost the twenty...and I swear I did it the right way, watching what I ate, exercising daily (but not so much that it was a chore) I started just...materializing in front of the pantry.  Maybe it was the Christmas cookies.  Maybe it was that with the holidays upon us, I was so busy with holiday stuff that when free time for exercise popped into my schedule I was too exhausted.  Maybe it was clash of clans.  I don't know.  But whatever it was, the weight slowly creeped back over the course of the last five months, and now I have to plant my staff of power (don't be weird, I'm channeling Lord of the Rings here) firmly in the bedrock and declare, Gandalf-style, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" to any additional weight that thought it might creep back home to the comforting softness and warmth of my belly.

So I'm using myfitnesspal app again, as well as the Nike Fuel band I got for my birthday.  And hopefully getting back to where I want to be.

Back to work, playing a little catch up, but then hopefully things will settle back into a comfortable routine. 

So Much Stuff

So much stuff happened over the break.  Not like momentous Earth-shaking stuff, but I just feel like I've been on break forever.  I haven't really had a chance to catch up on my blogroll reading, much less write my own stuff.  But let me let you know what to expect/not expect from me/us moving forward:

What not to expect:

• The Year in Review - Maybe I will someday, but I get so sick of lists and wrap ups and top 100 for 2011 shows on TV, I can hardly justify subjecting other people to it.  Also, considering I just started this blog in September, it just doesn't work.
• The full recap of the holiday - I'll definitely touch on it.  I think we learned some things about our little Lily, and how to best optimize her holiday experience, but soooo much water has gone over the dam at this point that I feel stressed out even thinking about trying to give the break its "due" in writing.  I will broad brush it, for sure, and post pics, and tell specific stories.  But it's wearying me even thinking about covering the two weeks it seems like I've been off.

What to expect:

• EEG Results Discussion - We know nothing.  But I sort of suspected we'd know nothing.  We meet with the pediatric neurologist on Thursday.  I expect to hear something then, and the something I expect to hear is. . . "nothing" and by that I mean, Lily has a long history of not having anything outside the norm to point at or to that suggests more appropriate treatments for her symptoms.  That is to say, she's not Fragile X, all her blood levels are more or less normal, her MRI was more or less normal, etc.  Every new specialist we see tells us there's nothing special about our special little girl.  That said. . . I also wouldn't be terribly surprised to learn something, but that's not been my experience to date.  "She's a puzzle."  Yeah, no shit.
• Some stories about the holidays:  Church, Holidays at the various houses, the extended break from school.  They're sort of backing up in the queue, and I need to write them out before my failing memory transforms poetic license into outright fabrication.

Some random tidbits:

• I bought my wife "Wit and Wisdom", which is the book to which it seems 90% of my blogroll contributed.  She really likes it.  It's actually like a perfect storm for her, bookwise.  She's always been more of an emotional reader, more apt to get involved in writing that touches her heart.  These stories obviously do that, but what makes it even better for her is. . . and I'm half kidding here. . . she's borderline narcoleptic.  I mean, she's actually not narcoleptic, but Leslie loves her sleep.  In the past when I've recommended books to her she's started them and stalled about a 100 pages in because she can't read more than a couple pages before ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  In fact, sometimes she can't finish my blog posts (when I get a little wordy) without smelling salts and toothpicks holding her eyelids up.  Although that may just be the writing. . . hmmm. . . 
• She bought me, "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon.  Or, more accurately, I bought it for myself and she asked if she could wrap it because she bought me this kickass North Face coat, and tapped my budget dry, so I really didn't have anything to unwrap on Christmas.  I read it in three days, but it could EASILY be read in a couple hours given enough guilt-free reading time.  I recommended it to her.  We'll see if she can make it past the 100 page zzzz-boundary.
• I don't really blog when I'm at home with my family.  It's just not convenient.  I know it seems ironic that I blog at work, but I write on my lunch break in my office while I eat, saving the long posts to finish on subsequent days, and I just don't ever really have that sort of free time at home.  Even when I'm free to write I feel guilty doing that over spending time with the kids or getting something constructive done.  So I'll tweet occasionally, or play words with friends, but I don't really blog much.  Nor do I read blogs when I'm at home.  So I'm soooo far behind now, I'm probably not going to dig myself out of the blogroll rut I'm in.  If you have a post you're particularly fond of/proud of, please let me know.  I'd still love to read it, I'm just too far behind at this point.  
• My New Year's Resolution was to lose 15 pounds.  I'll be watching my diet a little more closely, choosing the least evil option, for example, or managing portions more reasonably.  And I'll be running.  I'm not a marathoner or anything.  A few miles here, a few miles there, working up to something along the lines of 3-5 miles at a time, 3 - 4 days a week.  I don't want to burn out on it, but I think 15 pounds is a reasonable goal, and hope to make it more once I've met it.

That's it for now.  You'll be seeing more posts this week, now that I'm no longer on break.