I know I sort of discussed this a couple days ago, but I really am having a difficult time getting past this weird feeling of loss as 2015 ends. Okay, yeah, I know, obviously...loss. But I don't mean Leslie exactly. Or rather, I DO mean Leslie, but I mean that it feels like Leslie is a part of 2015, like her memory is rooted to it. Like when 2015 ends, that door closes. It's really...disconcerting, and sad. And so I'm struggling with it, because I know that the door isn't closing...it just is difficult to get past that feeling.
I think because putting the old year behind me and looking forward to the new year has become so ingrained in my psyche, I feel like I somehow am also saying goodbye to Leslie all over again as this year draws to a close, like a barrier goes up when I open the calendar to January.
It's just another day, and I keep reminding myself of that. But everything moving forward always seems so tied to that, "first day of the new year" label, that "start here" mindset, that somehow starting new means ending old. I just have to wrap my head around it. It's just another day. It's just another day. No endings and no beginnings.
On the subject of New Year's Eve...and New Year's Day. I was talking to a couple friends about their plans. NYE always seems to be a bit of a disappointment. I don't know if it's because the evening itself is so romanticized, but I suspect so. If you're not on a marble dance floor gazing lovingly at the "one who got away" about to have your first kiss as snow gently falls outside, and the big band plays Auld Lang Syne while confetti dusts her long lashes...then it seems disappointing. It's just another day. It's just another day.
On the other hand...it seems like a natural drinking day. Drinking to good memories. Drinking to luck or fortune. Or even drinking to try to get rid of the foul taste that the previous year left in your mouth. It seems like a night that lends itself to going out.
I don't know. Do you go out on NYE? Do you enjoy it? Or is it always a bit of a disappointment?
My sister is coming over tonight to HABLAB with me and we'll watch Dick Clark (Seacrest now? Or is that the other network) and the cavalcade of lip syncing pop stars du jour entertain until the ball drops. I'll probably have a shot of something expensive. That'll be for Leslie. But not two...that'll be for Lily. Because Lily's inner clock does not recognize my hangover's authority. Never has. And just like this morning, I have no doubt that I'll hear her softly stirring around 5:30 tomorrow morning. And I can't really parent her properly with a hangover.
Expect to read more from me in 2016.
I hope the New Year brings you peace. I hope you never forget 2015. Everything that happened then brought you to now.