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Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I know I sort of discussed this a couple days ago, but I really am having a difficult time getting past this weird feeling of loss as 2015 ends.  Okay, yeah, I know, obviously...loss.  But I don't mean Leslie exactly.  Or rather, I DO mean Leslie, but I mean that it feels like Leslie is a part of 2015, like her memory is rooted to it.  Like when 2015 ends, that door closes.  It's really...disconcerting, and sad.   And so I'm struggling with it, because I know that the door isn't closing...it just is difficult to get past that feeling.

I think because putting the old year behind me and looking forward to the new year has become so ingrained in my psyche, I feel like I somehow am also saying goodbye to Leslie all over again as this year draws to a close, like a barrier goes up when I open the calendar to January. 

It's just another day, and I keep reminding myself of that.  But everything moving forward always seems so tied to that, "first day of the new year" label, that "start here" mindset, that somehow starting new means ending old.  I just have to wrap my head around it.  It's just another day.  It's just another day.  No endings and no beginnings. 

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On the subject of New Year's Eve...and New Year's Day.  I was talking to a couple friends about their plans.  NYE always seems to be a bit of a disappointment.  I don't know if it's because the evening itself is so romanticized, but I suspect so.  If you're not on a marble dance floor gazing lovingly at the "one who got away" about to have your first kiss as snow gently falls outside, and the big band plays Auld Lang Syne while confetti dusts her long lashes...then it seems disappointing.  It's just another day.  It's just another day.

On the other hand...it seems like a natural drinking day.  Drinking to good memories.  Drinking to luck or fortune.  Or even drinking to try to get rid of the foul taste that the previous year left in your mouth.  It seems like a night that lends itself to going out. 

I don't know.  Do you go out on NYE?  Do you enjoy it?  Or is it always a bit of a disappointment?

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My sister is coming over tonight to HABLAB with me and we'll watch Dick Clark (Seacrest now?  Or is that the other network) and the cavalcade of lip syncing pop stars du jour entertain until the ball drops.  I'll probably have a shot of something expensive.  That'll be for Leslie.  But not two...that'll be for Lily.  Because Lily's inner clock does not recognize my hangover's authority.  Never has.  And just like this morning, I have no doubt that I'll hear her softly stirring around 5:30 tomorrow morning.  And I can't really parent her properly with a hangover.

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Expect to read more from me in 2016. 

I hope the New Year brings you peace.  I hope you never forget 2015.  Everything that happened then brought you to now. 


13 comments:

  1. Love this. Love you and yours. May 2016 bring you many new, good memories.

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  2. I have always felt like NYE was overrated.
    Whatever you decide to do, enjoy and Happy New Year

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  3. NYE has always been a disappointment for me too. Not sure why, but I just stay home, might play some games with the kids and have a drink or two but nothing huge. I hope the new year brings you some peace, that you begin to move away from the firsts so there is less stress on you, and yet Leslie remains close to your heart and mind. Happy New Year Jim and girls.

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  4. I agree that NYE is very overrated. I hope it goes well for you, glad you get to spend it with your sister drinking wine. I also hope this year brings you good luck and happiness. We never end up going out, mostly for lack of a sitter and also just because it is not as enjoyable as it was when I was in my 20s. A good NYE for me anymore consists of the kids sleeping through the night, that is my only wish. =) So that is my wish for you, I hope that Lily sleeps the entire night away for you.

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  5. Your cyber-family is giving you a big ole platonic kiss this NYE. Thinking of you, Jim.

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  6. I definitely expect and very much look forward to hearing more from you in 2016!

    Wishing you and your girls a beautiful new year, my friend.

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  7. i dont see it as an ending to a year but taking something from the previous year that you cherise and moving forward with that in your heart to expand on, learn from, lean on..for me its about recognising those things you want to keep with you and taking them to the very heart of the person you want to be the next year...i used to be as you described,new year, new you..urgh leave behind a crappy year this is fresh beginning but not this year..i can honestly say i havent experienced anything close to your year but its been bad in its own way but also enlightening, exposing, transformational and as awful as that was at the time i dont want to forget that and start again i want to take what was important for me from that experience and let it shape me in 2016...take those special moments you had with leslie wont leave when 2015 does they will forever shape the man and the father you are as does your beautiful wife and all that she was to you...i hope that i havent been out of line, ive read each blog,and felt each tear and i couldnt let you move into the next year without letting you know that many many of us are moving into it beside you xxx

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  8. i dont see it as an ending to a year but taking something from the previous year that you cherise and moving forward with that in your heart to expand on, learn from, lean on..for me its about recognising those things you want to keep with you and taking them to the very heart of the person you want to be the next year...i used to be as you described,new year, new you..urgh leave behind a crappy year this is fresh beginning but not this year..i can honestly say i havent experienced anything close to your year but its been bad in its own way but also enlightening, exposing, transformational and as awful as that was at the time i dont want to forget that and start again i want to take what was important for me from that experience and let it shape me in 2016...take those special moments you had with leslie wont leave when 2015 does they will forever shape the man and the father you are as does your beautiful wife and all that she was to you...i hope that i havent been out of line, ive read each blog,and felt each tear and i couldnt let you move into the next year without letting you know that many many of us are moving into it beside you xxx

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  9. So our first drink of the evening was for Leslie Jimmy? I feel so honored and privileged...but then again maybe that 128 proof bourbon made 530 am a bit tougher(opps, sorry)...in any case happy New year Jimmy! My goal for 2016 is to be a better friend to my pal Jim Walter. Which means laughing at some of your shit that isn't all that funny and ordering more stuff at dinner I never ever would because it's what "Jim" wants, I guess...

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  10. So our first drink of the evening was for Leslie Jimmy? I feel so honored and privileged...but then again maybe that 128 proof bourbon made 530 am a bit tougher(opps, sorry)...in any case happy New year Jimmy! My goal for 2016 is to be a better friend to my pal Jim Walter. Which means laughing at some of your shit that isn't all that funny and ordering more stuff at dinner I never ever would because it's what "Jim" wants, I guess...

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  11. Happy New Year, Jim. I pray you and your family will be blessed in 2016. Looking forward to reading more from you in the upcoming year.
    Lynette

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