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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Zombie Bath Salt Epidemic Hits Home

     Yeah, yeah, another bath salt blog post.  I've seen a whole mess of them today.  Jillsmo and Amy both blogged about it, and Sprocket is ALL over the Zombie Apocalypse tie-in.  I was actually saving this post for Halloween, since it's Halloween-centric (shut up, it's a word), but with all the Zombie Apocalypse face-eating craziness of the bath salt generation (I totally coined that just now and expect credit if I see it later), I figured I'd throw in my two cents and/or strike while the bath salt iron was hot.  
     If you've been living in a barn, or are forced to take your news solely from Nick, or Disney because your children completely dictate what's on television (honey, I'm talking to you, but I promise not to mention you by name, LOVE YOU!) 'bath salts', "not to be confused with cleansing products, are an inexpensive, synthetic, super-charged form of speed. The drug consists of a potpourri of constantly changing chemicals, three of which -- mephedrone, MDPV and methylone -- were banned last year by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency."
     They've been linked to the "Crazy Case of the Guy Who Ate the Other Guy's Face Off", and touched off a tongue-in-cheek (oh my god, I totally didn't even do that on purpose!!! Tongue-in-cheek?  Whew. . . you, know, cause he ate his face off, did I mention??) Zombie Apocalypse scare that's trending across the Interwebz (shut up, spell-check, Interwebz is cool-guy talk for "internet").
Emma, about to eat my delicious brains.
     But my daughter Emma may have started the whole thing without even knowing it.  Emma was ingesting bath products before it was "cool", because she's a gangsta, yo.  
---
2009:
     I watched my daughter as she peered into the black felt bag filled with Halloween candy. She held the bag by the straps with one hand and stirred it with some difficulty with her other, searching for that one special treat.

     "Daddy, can you help me find my Sweet-tarts?" she asked.
     "Sure, sweetie, let me see your treat bag."
     She dutifully handed the bag to me and I took the heavy, black felt bag and, unable to resist, pushed the small blister in the lower corner that made the skeleton on the side of the bag light up colorfully. I then held it by the base and opened the bag, spilling the candy out onto the bedspread.
     I sifted through the sweet spoils of her Halloween campaign and swiftly uncovered the "large" packet of Sweet-tarts amid the rubble. THIS packet was desired because it was an actual BAG of Sweet-tarts as opposed to the two-tart packages MOST people handed out on Halloween.
     I handed her the bag and said, "Here sweetie."
     She took it and thanked me politely as I scooped the candy into a pile and attempted to 'rake' it back into the bag. As I did so I found a clear package shaped like a ghost. Inside were white wafers so thin they almost looked like paper. I scowled slightly and picked up the package to examine it. THIS candy had to suck.
     My daughter looked up from her package-opening and confirmed, "I tried those. They aren't very good."
     I turned the package over, examining the back. "Honey?" I said.
     "Yeah, daddy?"
     "You know why this doesn't taste good?"
     "Why, daddy?"
     "Because it's soap. You add it to your bath to make it smell like vanilla. You ate soap. I can't get you to try tacos, but you'll eat SOAP?"
     She giggled.
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     It was cute and funny. . . but:
     The neighbor had asked her to take some with her when she'd left the Halloween party the previous night. I had been through her Halloween candy, and hadn't seen it, so I was confused when I looked through her candy the following day and spotted it. I want to say that if she'd have gotten it Halloween night I'd have noticed it and pulled it out of the bag, but I'm not completely sure. That scared me a little. Or at least served as a wakeup call.
     When the neighbor told her to go ahead and take it, Emma didn't ask what it was, and either the neighbor failed to mention it, or Emma forgot. Probably Emma spotted it in the house, asked about it and was told. . . "oh go ahead and take some home with you".
     Even the pickiest of eaters will try just about anything that they think is candy, so I've tried to be a little more vigilant when vetting her treat bag now. Not that this was IN her treat bag that Halloween night. . . but it just served to warn me that it probably COULD have been in there, and I'd never have known the difference. This time it was bath soap. . . next time? Who knows?
     And THAT is how Emma turned into a Zombie.  Alright. . . fine, it wasn't "bath salts" it was "bath soap" and she's not a zombie.


Or IS she. . . 

24 comments:

  1. So glad she didn't turn zombie and eat your face off. BUT...an excellent reminder of why we need to be vigilant with our kids. Today bath soap...tomorrow...?? Something scary for sure.

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  2. Replies
    1. soooo yummy. And you mouth and throat are clean and vanilla fresh!

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  3. What did the vegan zombie say?


    Graaains.

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  4. Emma is the most cheerful looking zombie I've ever seen. At least she's happy about eating brains, not desperate like all the other zombies.

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    1. cute zombies get all the best brains.

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  5. First of all, I want kids just so I can go through their Halloween candy and eat all the good stuff. Oh yeah, and I guess check for the bad stuff, that would probably be good.

    Friggin' bath salts! What is up with this?! I have never heard of it until this recent zombie apocalypse. My friends and I spent hours googling all about it on Sunday (and watching YouTube videos of people under the influence of them), and it's crazy! WHY would you ingest (or whatever you're supposed to do with them) bath salts?! What is wrong with people?

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    1. I don't know. Cheap high? bath salts, hand sanitizer, cold medicine. . . there's always SOMEthing.

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  6. there is actually a brand of gum up in Canada (I don't know if they have it in the US) that actually TASTES like soap... they purposely made a gum that tastes like soap... and it's NOT gag gum.

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    1. I can't imagine that there's anything at ALL available in Canada which is not also available in the US of A. Regardless, it doesn't turn people into zombies. . . does it?

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  7. As someone who celebrates neither Halloween nor bath salts, and patiently waits for the day when the fascination with zombies and vampires is replaced by the glorification of narwhals, I can only scratch my head and think 'Nits?' No wait I meant 'You crazy Yanks...'

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    1. narwhals. . . like unicorn manatees. Glory glory glory.

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  8. Someone should inform these people if they don't agree with giving sweets to kids, don't participate in Hallowe'en. Juice boxes, apples and now soap? It's sacrilegious on Hallowe'en--which may be a bit of an oxymoron, but what the hay.

    Glad Emma didn't turn into a zombie :)

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    1. Well, to be fair, they gave sweets. It was just an entire theme to their party. They can halloween snacks, treats, decorations and. . . apparently. . . soap.

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  9. That's one adorable zombie. I'd let her eat my face. She's so happy!

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just don't understand doing a drug whose purpose is to make you angry, hot, speedy and strong. Why aren't people doing the mellow drugs, if you have to do them at all? Who WANTS to be angry? I mean, seriously, come work at my office for 8 hours, you can have all the anger without having to pay for the drugs.

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    Replies
    1. super human strength. That trumps everything. But you're right about the anger. Who needs to pay for anger. I have that NOW.

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  10. First of all, your wife is not the only one who gets her news from Nick so I was a bit flustered and confused at the beginning of your post. ;)

    Second, given your posts at Sprocket, I would not be bragging about how delicious your brain is. You never know who might overhear. You just looked behind you, didn't you? C'mon, I know you did...

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    Replies
    1. I always sit with my back to the wall so no zombies can sneak up on me, Karen. That's Zombie 101.

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  11. What a spooky post all around!

    The fact that more kids don't get hurt from eating random crap kinda shows that there probably aren't that many people out there trying to hurt them.

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    Replies
    1. I don't know. . . I still have my eye out. . .

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  12. My kid eats random wood chips, and those aren't even disguised as anything. I don't even want to think about Halloween candy...

    Just today, some guy in Austin, Texas, smacked a paramedic down while high on bath salts. Zombie apocalypse might be right...

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    Replies
    1. My kid ONLY eats stuff that's not food.

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