What I Did on my Summer Vacation: Concluded

(Previous Post: "What I did on my Summer Vacation:  Part 4")


We were in the home stretch of our vacation.  All the stressful epic parts were over.  We thought we might shoehorn a trip to the beach between our last couple days, but it turned out Emma had developed a 'beach phobia'.  Well...a shark phobia.

And before you say, "Jim...this is because you forced her to watch Sharknado with you!" ...it so has nothing to do with how I forced her to watch Sharknado with me.  At all.  The only link at all between her new shark phobia and Sharknado is all the sharks that were eating people. And also the nightmares of sharks eating her that she had the night we watched it.  But...but...it was just that one night!

Fine, maybe there was something to that, but what we think happened is this...a couple weeks prior to going on the trip, Emma's cousins had been at the beach on vacation.  They got a great picture of a huge hammerhead shark sitting just off the beach in the water.  The beach had been evacuated...adventures ensued, doubtless, but the idea of that shark in shallow water took root in Emma's imagination and no amount of logic or reason could weed away the terror she had that sharks would eat one or more of our family if we ventured onto the white sandy beaches or worse...waded into shark infested shallows.

We said, "Let's not talk about it tonight, let's just see how you feel tomorrow."

This reminds me of a George Thoroughgood song, "One Whiskey, One Shot, One Beer".  I don't know why.  I sort of do.  Anyway, apparently George is having difficulty paying his rent and his landlady keeps kicking him out of the apartment.

"She said that don't confront me, 
Long as I get my money next Friday
 Now next Friday come I didn't get the rent, 
And out the door I went." 

So tomorrow came and she was still terrified of sharks...out of our plans it went.

This left our pristine schedule looking something like this:

First Day/Night (Saturday):  Travel, unpack, get settled, put together a grocery list, order pizza, play by the pool.
Day 2 (Sunday):  Universal
Day 3 (Monday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day...changed to Disney
Day 4 (Tuesday):  Disney...changed to rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 5 (Wednesday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day changed to Sea World Day
Day 6 (Thursday):  Sea World changed to beach day cancelled due to shark attack changed to rest/recuperate/pool day.
Day 7 (Friday):  Pool day/pack up/clean up/travel home.

And although we would never make it to Florida's beaches...also on the plus side, none of us were eaten by sharks.

So we had another day of play.  And it was good.  Leslie had tasked me with eating and drinking everything that was left in the fridge from our original grocery shopping, which meant I had to drink beer after beer after beer...like a chain smoker lighting the next cigarette off the still-burning cherry of the one dangling from his mouth...I drank and drank and drank until I completed her labor of Heracles.  No accolades accompanied this success, as Leslie was fast asleep.

this is what happens when you're told to finish everything in the cupboard.

We packed most of our things the previous night, but realized we'd read the fine print regarding checkout incorrectly, and had to scramble to get our stuff set up for the next day.  The biggest issue was that checkout was officially 11:00, and our flight wasn't scheduled until 4:00.  That left five hours to kill.  I asked Leslie to call the rental agency to see if we could checkout later (2:00) and they said yes, which made the trip to the airport a bit less stressful...until...

A huge thunderstorm rolled into Orlando.  Torrential rain accompanied by lightning and...the bane of Lily's existence..."Scary Funder".  And this thunder WAS scary, and loud.  And she was scared and upset and difficult to calm.  And we sort of suffered through our few hours at the airport (planes were all delayed because of lightning) but we hung in there and got on the plane to fly home.

And Lily was mostly good until descent...and then we think her ears started hurting and she couldn't understand what to do, and the fruit snacks must not have cut it because she had another accident when we checked her after landing despite not being really "scheduled" to go for a while. 

It must have been very scary for her to start feeling that pain and pressure building in her ears and not understand how to deal with it.  Emma's own problems with it on the way in had ended with her going to bed early and she'd understood.

The flight was over.  The trip was over.  My dad picked us up at the airport and we made it home safe and sound, just in time to watch the Steelers play their final preseason game.

It started the day before our trip to Orlando with Lily throwing up.  It ended the day we got back with the Steelers doing the metaphoric football equivalent.

Seven days in Orlando...nobody eaten, and no with vomit!*

*Sidebar:  My nephew, who follows me on Instagram was reading comments on one of the pics I posted of Lily while we were on vacation.  When we got back we were all celebrating my parent's birthdays together and got on the subject of Instagram.  He was like, "Some of the people who follow you leave the most bizarre comments."  I nodded...because...well some do...but I asked him for an example.

He said, "There was a picture of you guys in the airport, and one of the commenters said, 'and with no vomit!'"

I explained why the comment had occurred, and we laughed about it, but now every so often he'll see my Instagram feed and post a comment, "And no vomit!" regardless of picture.  I should post a picture of vomit and see what he says.  Maybe not.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation Part 4

(Previous Post:  "What I Did on my Summer Vacation Part 3")

Alright...Disney completed we were free to pursue the rest and relaxation that we'd previously bumped in favor of a Dawn-assisted trip.  Let's review the plan:

First Day/Night (Saturday):  Travel, unpack, get settled, put together a grocery list, order pizza, play by the pool.
Day 2 (Sunday):  Universal
Day 3 (Monday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day...changed to Disney
Day 4 (Tuesday):  Disney...changed to rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 5 (Wednesday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 6 (Thursday):  Sea World
Day 7 (Friday):  Pool day/pack up/clean up/travel home.

After we'd all breakfasted (bacon every morning, yo) we focused on not doing stuff all day.  This meant a lot of TV and pool time, and I got tons of pics at the pool, some of which were kinda cool, like this one:

or really sweet, like these:

Eventually Aunt Dawn and I went to pick up her rental car.  After three wrong turns we ended up at the rental counter about an hour before closing where they confessed that her car, though 'available' was not 'clean' yet and without hesitation, Dawn accepted this, because what else are you going to do, wait?  And we went to inspect the car.  I did, no shit, inspect the trunk for bodies, because in my head it was all playing out like an elaborate set up, where Dawn, renting a car filled with dead bodies takes the fall for some mob hit and ruins our vacation.  So I looked.  No dead bodies or heroin or briefcases filled with money were in the trunk, so she hopped in and followed me home.

We ordered food again that night.  I can't honestly remember what it was.  I know that at no point was any take-out place aware of the street our house was on and nobody delivered anything in under 45 minutes, so I assumed it must be pretty new.  We said good night and goodbye to Dawn (since she had to leave so early nobody would be awake), and then everyone went to bed...

Except me.

And Lily.  She had a super weird night.  I think in the end we chalked it up to overstimulation at Disney, but she was showing some signs of getting sick too.  Lots of drippy noses were cleaned poolside and Lily would sleep for about an hour or so before waking and crying.  I sent Emma (who was sharing a room with Lily) to sleep in our bedroom and spent the night sleeping in Lily's room.  I eventually (after getting her on the potty one last time around 1:30 in the morning) got her to stay asleep by springing up from Emma's bed whenever I heard Lily start to wimper...and patting her lower back until her cries would diminish in volume and fade entirely into a rasping whisper then silence and sleep.  This happened a couple more times, and I think I finally slept at about 3:00, afraid of what the next day would bring. 

But the next day came and Lily remained her bubbly happy little energetic self despite the previous night's (morning's) activities.  Dawn was gone, and we were on our own for another day of rest and relaxation.  So of course we said fuck it, and went to Sea World instead.

Leslie checked the website and saw that they were open until 10, so we took our time getting ready, at a late breakfast, played in the pool, and then headed for Sea World via McDonald's (for Lily's late lunch).

Obligatory park entrance photo...

actual Killer Whales impaled on harpoons

In keeping with our theme of "Do no research", we arrived at the park with no real idea what was there, where to go, or what to do.  We paid extra for preferred parking, because it had worked really well at Universal, and we parked very close to the front gate of the park.

The first stupid thing that happened was this:  for whatever reason the park was not closing at 10.  It was closing at 7, and whether Leslie read it wrong, or it was just listed wrong on the website, we had arrived at 3:00 and only had 4 hours in Sea World.  We did it anyway thinking regardless of what happened, we could tire the kids out enough by 7 that they'd have made us wish the park closed then even if it closed later.

The second stupid thing that happened was this:  If you buy tickets for Sea World at the gate it costs like (I'm off by a dollar or two here, but I'm too lazy to look it up) $95 per adult and $85 per kid.  Both Emma and Lily qualified as kids, so it was going to be $350 to get in the gate.  But the night before I'd look at ticket prices and they were posted as $50/person.  The girl at the counter said, "Yeah, but only if you buy online".

We got out of line...got ONline, and bought four tickets for $50/person and they downloaded to my phone.  I just showed them my phone screen...they swiped it under the scanner, and in we went.

$150 saved because I downloaded the tickets right then and there from my phone...why didn't all the other morons do that?  There was a line at the ticket counter...stupid.

Anyway, once in the park, I procured a stroller and Leslie, Emma, and Lily went to get an access card/pass/paper thingy.  It took a little longer at Sea World; Lily was getting antsy.  We did finally get the pass and the sticker for her stroller, and made our way out into the park.

The weather was gloomy...threat of rain...but there was always a threat of rain.  Some thunder made Lily a little skittish, but she and Emma reached into a giant tank to "pet" the stingrays and then Emma and I fed them...and it was freaky as shit.

She looks like she's a lot more into it than she really was...

Lily started spinning (this is something we say that's really short for "spinning out of control") then, and we attempted to view the enormous dolphin tank from underground, getting some really great pictures, but not actually making Lily any less agitated.

We made our way off into the park, again plan-less, again meandering frustratingly from one bad overstimulating thing to the next until finally I think Leslie got tired of all my negative stressful energy and took Lily to see the Sea Lions so that Emma and I could stand in line to feed the dolphins.

The dolphin thing was another "centerpiece" for the vacation, and I'm glad we could mark it off the "bucket list" but we stood in line a long time as the queue worked its way slowly dolphinward, snaking around barriers and buildings until we stood at last on the side of the dolphin tank, which was enormous and filled with frolicsome peckish dolphins.  Emma was instructed (as were the rest of the people participating) to cup their "chins" (because I haven't put enough words in quotes in this particular paragraph) and then feed them a fish to reward them.

It was pretty cool.  We got a great picture that the Sea World photographers took, and I bought it and we took it home with us.  But I also took a few:

What do you mean, "42"?  That doesn't even make sense.

By the time we made our way to the dolphins, Lily and Leslie had already seen the sea lions and had moved off to find Shamu.  She texted me, "You can still make it if you hurry".  The Shamu show started at 5:30 and we were just getting out of the dolphin feeding.  We started running...

And then we started walking.  Then I picked up Emma and carried her and then we started running again...but then almost immediately started walking more.  And shortly after that I put her down and we walked.  And then we ran a little more.

And Jesus, how far is it to Shamu Stadium?  The answer is:  A long way from the dolphins.  But we made it.  We missed a little splashing and cavorting, but we made it.

Rain interrupted the performance and delayed it.  When they came back to finish out the show there was perhaps another five minutes before it ended and the crowd spilled back into the park at large.  Lily liked the show, and we ate cotton candy and relaxed.

When we left the stadium we were right at the "kiddie" portion of the park.  Again...looking at this section, it screamed "Perfect for Lily!" and I again scolded myself for not immediately seeking it out.

We were running out of time.  They announced 30 minutes until the park closed.  The girls road a jellyfish ride together.  Lily loved it.  Then...then they went to the roller coaster.  It was a kiddie rollercoaster...but still too adventurous for my tastes.  Lily was in a good frame of mind and Leslie said..."why not".  She, Emma and Lily walked the ramp and stood in line.  Emma and I exchanged "Are you nuts?" glances at each other the entire time.   And then Lily rode it.  And loved it.

Now the announcements were coming more frequently, "10 minutes until the park closes".

She got off the ride, we made our way over to buy the picture of her first roller coaster ride, and Lily said, "I want to ride roller coaster again!", so they did!

"5 minutes until the park closes."

We made our way to the exit.  I posed the kids in front of a Sea World sign and then an employee walked by and offered to take all of our pictures.

 

And then Shamu snuck up on me and gave me a wedgie.

We made our way out of the park.  Again, it wasn't a homerun, but again I feel like it had more to do with us than it did with the park.  We did have fun after another rocky start, but probably could have benefited from another hour or two to explore.  I was glad we did it.  Everyone enjoyed it, but just the same we didn't stop by the gift shop for Shamu figurines or anything.

We drove home again.  Through the pouring rain again.  But this time everyone slept.

The exciting conclusion in, "What I Did on my Summer Vacation:  Concluded"

What I Did on my Summer Vacation - Part 3

(Previous post: "What I Did on my Summer Vacation - Part 2") 

Aunt Dawn and Lily had a good day while we were at Universal.  We occasionally checked in, or she'd text us a picture of Lily playing by the pool.  I think it all more or less went as planned.  Except that...in buying the groceries for the house, I'd sort of neglected lunch.  I'm not sure why, but I think I thought we'd just buy it at the park or drive out to get it, or decide later and buy more stuff...but whatever the reason, it amounted to lots of breakfast stuff in the house, and very little lunch stuff.  So Dawn fed herself leftover pizza for lunch, and when we still hadn't arrived for dinner...she fed herself leftover pizza for dinner too. 

Sorry about that.

Revisiting "The Plan":

First Day/Night (Saturday):  Travel, unpack, get settled, put together a grocery list, order pizza, play by the pool.
Day 2 (Sunday):  Universal
Day 3 (Monday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 4 (Tuesday):  Disney
Day 5 (Wednesday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 6 (Thursday):  Sea World
Day 7 (Friday):  Pool day/pack up/clean up/travel home.

We were on Day 3...rest and recuperate by the pool...and that's how the day started.  The rationale behind getting Universal out of the way was that we'd have Dawn's support.  She was flying back out on Wednesday, bright and early.  Dawn decided it made sense to get a rental car.  This was a ginormous help from our standpoint, because her flight was to leave Wednesday but she needed to be at the airport at like 6:30 in the morning.

What we figured though was that if we were going to pick up the rental car, there'd be no way we could pick it up on Tuesday if we were at Disney.  We shifted the plan and decided to go Monday instead.  Then we could pick up the car Tuesday on a rest day, and Dawn could drive herself to the airport Wednesday. 

I kind of want to recap this for a second.  Dawn flew down to Orlando to help us with Lily...we didn't pay for her ticket.  She ate leftover pizza because we refused to buy her food (okay...not refused, but...you know).  Then she rented a car so that we wouldn't have to drive her to the airport...we didn't pay for the car.  This was all her idea.  I thanked her in about as bubbly a fashion as I'm capable, but I always look back and think...I really did not thank her enough.   The universe will recognize it though, no doubt, and owes her massive karma points.  YOU KNOW YOU OWE HER, UNIVERSE!  And we do too.

Anyway...

This pushed our plans to Disney from Tuesday to Monday...and while we weren't completely prepared (ie, didn't get up at the ass-crack of dawn...ugh...unfortunate choice of expressions, Dawn, sorry) we also weren't worried, because Lily is sleepy by 8:00, and we knew we weren't going to be able to drag out a whole day at Disney without her being completely exhausted.  So whether we got there early and left early, or got there late and left late, it really made no difference to us.

So we went to Disney.  Did you ever see the Sponge Bob episode where it's like a Krusty Krab employee training video?  At the end they get to the part where it's time to make the Krabby Patty, and they show this Krabby Patty out in the distance, and it gets closer and closer, but only incrementally so, slowly growing in the frame as the voice over guy does this fanfare...duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....for an uncomfortably long time.  If you haven't seen that, perhaps you've seen the scene in Monty Python's "The Holy Grail" where Lancelot storms the castle...and they show him off in the distance and he gets larger and larger in frame accompanied by tympani background music...they flash back to two guards who look curiously out at him, then back to Lancelot, who is inexplicably further out then he was the last time we saw him...again charging...again moving closer...back to guards, back to Lancelot...etc.

Going into Disney is like that.  There are exits for miles.  You finally take the ramp, then you're actually on like...Disney Freeway or something because there are no off ramps, it's just an asphalt vein pumping tourists into Disney, and an artery pumping them back out...with no tributaries of any kind.  And you drive on this desolate highway that must be all Disney property for miles and miles.  And in the background you hear...duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....for an uncomfortably long time.  Until you see a sign!

And you're like, "Sweet!  We've made it!"  But this is just Lancelot, and you still have to glance back at the guards...and still the fanfare...duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....for an uncomfortably long time...

And then at last you reach THIS sign...

And then you've arrived.  Sort of.  Because you still have to keep driving to get to the parking lot.  duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....

And then you've arrived.  In a way.  Because you have to board the trolley to take you to the gate. duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....

And then you've arrived.  Mostly.  Because you have to board either the train or the ferry to take you to the actual entrance.  duh-duddle ut duh, dut dut dut dut duh du-duddle ut duh....

And then you've arrived.  No...I'm serious this time.  No, come back.  You're at the Magic Kingdom.  COME BACK!  IT'S FUCKING MAGICAL!!!

Okay, if you get the impression that I was frustrated by the Magic Kingdom, then I'm an awesome writer, because I was frustrated by the Magic Kingdom, but until now, I didn't actually "say" that...WRITING!!

Let's back up to the train/ferry.  I wasn't prepared for this.  We weren't prepared for this.  Here's the devil's bargain:  Take the ferry and squish together with throngs of smelly sweating passengers on a slow boat ride over a lake into the park...OR...stand in line with throngs of smelly sweating passengers to take a fast ride into the park in an air conditioned train that makes two stops before it gets to the park.  Yeah...I know I said "then you've arrived"...and you have...because once you leave the train you're at the entrance, but your train has a couple stops first.  To pick up more money for Disney...I mean passengers.

A train was unsafe, or being serviced or something, so they were only partially filling it.  But we didn't know that.  The wait to get on the train was thirty minutes.  There is no disability pass to get on the train sooner.  There are no strollers or wheel chairs offered in order to make wait times for low muscle tone legs any less...this set the tone for our entrance into the Magic Kingdom, and it was less than magical.  Lily was slowly spinning out of control.  She was upset and hot and waiting and we had no idea what was taking so long, or when we'd get on a train.  We watched from the line as a train boarded and took off...several cars were completely empty.  I was getting more and more pissed off.  But we got on...and we got to the entrance, and NOW let the magic commence!

Someone smarter than I am will have to figure out a tip to help kids like Lily prepare for that sort of initial adventure...maybe rent a stroller somewhere else and bring it...maybe keep her cool with spray bottle...I don't know.  I just know that saying, "Be prepared to stand in a long-ass line for a train" is not a useful tip.  Still, it's nice to know it's coming.

So everyone's first tip for Disney is to get the Guest Access Card.  So I'm not going to bother listing it as a tip.  I'll get to part B of that in a minute.

Tip 1:  If your child needs/will use a stroller or wheelchair, get one/rent one.  It's a long hot day.  Christ, if they'd have made a stroller big enough for me, I'd have rented one and had Leslie push me around.  Before we left a couple people suggested this, and I said, essentially, "Lily won't sit in one."  I was wrong.  I'm really glad nobody listened to me and they rented it anyway, it saved our ass more than once.


Aunt Dawn went to rent a stroller while I went to "City Hall" to get the Guest Access Card, and Leslie loaded Lily into it and they walked around while I ran ahead to stand in line. 

Okay, so the magical Guest Access Card thing. Here it is:

This is what it looks like.  I suppose if rich housewives truly understood how easy these things are to obtain, then adults with disabilities looking to make extra dollars as tour guides would be out of money.  I'm referring to the recent scandal that surfaced where rich Manhattan moms would pay disabled tour guides in order to allow their children to bypass long lines at Disney using the guide's guest assistance card. 

How easy was it to get the card?  I went into City Hall to stand in line.  A staff member stood next to the line and I had a quick question for him.  Essentially, I'd been led to believe that the GAC allowed the guest and three adults (for a total of four) to use the alternate entrance.  My question, "Can four adults (Leslie, Emma, Aunt Dawn, and myself) use it?"  As I stood in line, I asked him, "Quick question about the Guest Assistance Card?"  Before I could even ask my specific question though, though, he'd launched into a summary of what it was and what it did, and included in his summary was..."the guest and up to five accompanying adults".  Question answered, I was satisfied and prepared to stand in line.

At this point, though, he said, "You need to get a card?" 

I answered yes, and he pulled me out of the line and filled one out on his clipboard.  I asked if I needed to have Lily with us in order to get the card and he said no.  So...strictly speaking, if you're rich and morally bankrupt, there's really no reason to pay anyone anything in order to obtain a GAC, because they won't require that you present the person with the disability during the interview process, and they don't ask to see documentation of diagnosis.  You didn't get rich by paying people a bunch of money, am I right?  Am I right???  So, you're welcome, rich people.

Tip 2:  Get the disability sticker for your stroller.  We did not initially do this.  What does that mean?  What it means is, you leave your stroller at the gate then go back and retrieve it when you're done.  Some of the alternative access points still require a decent wait, and so if the stroller or wheelchair is being used to aid your son or daughter's ability to wait in long lines...you're hosed.  You can't do it.  We didn't know this was even an option.  Leslie, pissed off at how the day was going, went to give the good people in City Hall a piece of her mind (this comes later, so I'm jumping ahead in the story a bit) and during the course of her diatribe was provided with this sticker to loop through the handle of the stroller, and allow us to keep Lily seated and in shade as we pushed her down the path toward whatever the next attraction was.  This proved very helpful and really probably saved the day, because by about 3:00 (about 2 hours after we got into Disney) we were considering leaving.  But as I said, this comes later.

My friend Bec writes the most informative and insightful blog about autism that I've come across.  Before we took the trip, she sent me a list of tips.  Bec knows enough about our family to be able to tailor the experiences she'd had at Disney to our family's needs.  The very first stupid thing we did was a direct violation of one of Bec's first tips, "Familiarize yourself with the map."  Yeah, yeah, Bec, whatever...I don't need no stinkin' map.  So we were figuring it out on the fly...but that was okay, right?  It worked at Universal, why wouldn't it work at Disney?

Because Disney is immense. 

Tip 3:  (With apologies to Bec for not paying attention and further apologies for stealing her idea, but really since we didn't use it and learned from our own mistakes, it's like it's our own tip) Familiarize yourself with the map.  Figure out what attractions you most want to see and see them first.

Doing this on the fly, we decided to go to Pirates of the Carribean.  Seriously it's going to sound like we listen to nobody, but Dawn kept asking..."Is she okay with it being dark?  Is she okay with skeletons?  Pirates and stuff?"  Yes, yes, Jesus...we know our own kid okay???  Now shut up and go look pretty.  After an initial flight on Aladdin's magic carpet, which was the standard amusement park fare...prop attached to hydraulic arm...pull up on handle, prop rises...spins in circle...exit ride.  In this case it was a giant magic carpet.

After this, we stood in line for Pirates...and Lily started to lose it.  It was dark in the line, and the wait (despite the GAC) was long, and she got impatient and tired, and if it would have stayed there, that would have been fine, but once on the ride she spiraled into terror.  Darkness.  Loud noises.  Scary faces.  She was horrified.  She was in absolute misery from the moment she got on the ride until maybe an hour afterward.  In our defense...neither Leslie nor I (I was 12 when I rode it in Disney Land) recalled it being as dark or as loud...but we still should have known better.  Aunt Dawn, to her credit, did not say, "See???" Which was good.

She cried throughout the ride.  Complicating things was that people weren't getting off the end of the ride quickly enough, and the boats stopped...three times...we listened to one particular script three times before the boats started moving again.  We bumped into the boat in front of us and waited, becalmed, until they got the ride moving again.  This just prolonged her agony.

We left Pirates pissed off at ourselves, pissed off at Disney, and feeling so guilty about Lily.  And here's where I want to share what I'll say is my most important tip.

Tip 4:  Know your child.  Throughout our relatively successful 'careers' parenting, we occasionally forget this.  We think...we're here...let's just try this.  Where "this" is anything that you should know in your heart of hearts is not something your child would ordinarily like, but you do it anyway to push boundaries.  To challenge your child.  To seek growth through experience, perhaps.  Or even, as my father was always so fond of saying, "to build character".  Disney is not the place to fucking build character.  The obscenity is directed at me.  What does Lily like?  We knew the answer to that question.  Time and time again over this vacation (Disney and Seaworld) we ignored the answer to the question in order to push boundaries because we were there.  Because when would we get another chance to push that boundary?  When will we ever be back to Disney?  When will she have another chance to ride Pirates of the Caribbean?  Who knows..."let's just try this." 

No.  If this is truly a vacation for the kids, as we said over and over that it was, then it's a vacation for both kids.  What does Lily like?  Let's find that stuff.  Let's do that stuff.  We'll go back home in a week and she's be up to her eyeballs in therapy and school and day camp and TSS and OT and all the other shit that we put that poor kid through just to play catch up with the 'deficit' system that is in place in public school...give her a vacation that she can enjoy.

I'm being too hard on myself.  In hindsight it's easy to see she wasn't going to like Pirates.  At the time we truly didn't think it would be as big a deal as it turned out, and the guilt I feel about how much she suffered on that ride is translated into a rant against myself.  But really it's a different take on a familiar theme with autism parents regarding true acceptance of your child.  If your kid is 15 and loves to play with Barbies?  Then give the fucking kid a Barbie.  That is what acceptance is...not giving a shit about social 'norms' and saying, "I want my kid to be happy."  So maybe I'm applying that same lesson to the ride.  If Lily wants to ride the magic carpet a thousand times in a row...why not?  If she likes Dumbo?  Why not?  We eventually found rides and attractions and joy for Lily in the Magic Kingdom.  But that time was still a ways off, and I was mad enough at Disney and myself and the world at large that in my head and heart all Leslie had to say was, "I think we should leave" and I'd have walked back to the train and left Disney behind for greener pastures.

And one more sort of backpedal on this... I'm not saying that "knowing your child" means you should never push boundaries or never try new things, or never expose them to new experiences.  I think it probably reads like that a little bit.  But there are times to push boundaries and maybe vacation isn't the ideal time.

We tried to regroup.  A bunch of stuff happened and I'll probably screw up the timeline, but we went to see Belle in the Beast's Castle.  We found a sympathetic staff member wearing a "From Pittsburgh" (all the name tags list hometowns on them) name tag and we bent his ear with out story of woe.  He got us into a line for the Castle and we went inside where it was cool and quiet(er).  It was still not Lily's favorite, but at least she wasn't screaming about how she wanted to go home. 

The storyline was this...The Beast is throwing Belle a surprise party.  We need you (all the people there for the attraction) to help us!  We need soldiers to march.  Everyone march.  (all the people marched) YOU!  You will be a soldier.  (person comes out and grabs ME out of the goddamn crowd, hands me a cardboard cutout of a knight, and tells me to hold it up to my  face and march in place at a certain time.)  This proceeded...Lily was tagged to be Mrs. Potts, but she threw Mrs. Potts' cardboard cutout on the floor in silent protest.  IN YOUR FACE, MRS. POTTS!  Emma declined more politely and the role was offered to someone else.

But I was stuck.  So throughout the performance I was called upon to march, or bow or say, "merci" or "HURRAY!"  or whatever and I did.  I daresay I was the best they ever saw.

The tummy pooch was part of the act...they told me I HAD to do that.

Lily sat through the performance but was not in love with seeing her beloved Belle in person.  Not that she minded.  She just didn't seem to love it.

After Belle, we found a place that sold cold drinks and re-regrouped.

sippin' on gin and juice, laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind...

We got something to eat at a diner in Futureland and Lily was smitten with the performer, a dinosaur looking alien who played music and who she could dance along with.  Then we found Dumbo and road him.  Then there was a performance at Cinderella's Castle that really had Lily enthralled.  Aunt Dawn took Emma to Space Mountain so Emma could ride, and we took Lily to Dumbo, and then Leslie went to City Hall to give them a piece of her mind, and that's when got the sticker for the stroller.

And we kept stringing little victories together until the Kingdom started to feel a little more magical.

captivated by Mickey

She IS thrilled, maybe the camera doesn't show it...

Yes...I KNOW I'm in trouble.

Nothing says romance like Dumbo's ass.

oh my god...she was SUCH a bad driver.

We capped the visit off with Small World.  We probably should have started the visit that way too.  She was captivated.  Small World has come a long way...and stayed exactly the same all at the same time.  When I visited it, I remember it being dingy and old and faded.  This was BRIGHT.  The music was cheerful.  There were pretty colors wherever you looked, and everywhere...everywhere...music.  And Lily loves music, and color...sigh.

It's a small, small, world...

Disney was alright.  In retrospect I give it a B-.  Looking back at what I've written, you're missing a lot of what I didn't love about Disney.  You're getting a bit of it, but not all.  Rides were down for maintenance, people were everywhere.  I don't mean there were a lot of people.  I mean there were so many people that at times I felt overwhelmed by the sheer closeness and ...muchness of the humanity around us.  I was constantly stressed out.  People would stop en masse not just to take pictures, but to pose for them.  Just...right where they were without any regard for the people walking behind them around them between them...so many people.  Like maybe if they sold out the park...you know...and kept the crowds manageable.  But they won't.  They make too much money.

Leslie asked whether the characters ever came out into the park and they just laughed at her.

"They'd be mobbed"

They're right.  They would be.  I read on Wiki Answers that 46,000 visitors visit the Magic Kingdom each day (it's just an average of the annual total divided by days, but still).  That's so.  many.  people. 
It was the worst part of the park.

And it was hot.  I can't blame Disney for the temperature, and really, if I blame anyone it should be the asshole who booked the trip in August.  But it just made the experience that much less of an "A" and that much more of a "B". 

The train trip back was faster and better, and there was relatively little traffic on the way home.  Day over, we could focus on healing from all that magic.  Everyone ended up having fun.  But we had to work pretty hard to find it.

(Continued Here:  What I Did on my Summer Vacation Part 4 )

What I Did on my Summer Vacation - Part 2

(Previous post: "What I Did on my Summer Vacation - Part 1")

One of the best parts of the vacation was the house.  I mean, that sounds pretty lame when you consider we went to Disney and Universal and Sea World, but honestly it was the one constant throughout the entire trip that was always positive.  Clean house, nice (though small) pool, relatively inexpensive, in a nice gated community...it was our refuge.  We really felt at home there.  Without skipping ahead, for the most part we knew that whether our plans fell flat or we were too exhausted to go on...we could always cool down in the pool, have a beer, play pool, or watch TV, grab a glass of wine, smoke a cigar or just veg, and maybe part of us thought..."well, shit, we could do that at home," (minus the pool), but whenever the voice whispered that I would shut it up by responding, "but we never ever do."  Sometimes just the very nature of "being on vacation" is enough to allow you to observe the conventions of vacationry.  And so it was with the house, "Pepper" (we didn't know at the time, but that appears to be the owner's name, it was written on the key fob that plopped into my hand).

We pulled into the driveway of the house.  We'd lucked out and piggy-backed through the community's gate since we had no idea what the access code was, trailing behind the vehicle just in front of us as the gates slowly swung shut.  We followed the road through the neighborhood, slowing as the numbers climbed until we found the address.  I pulled the minvan into the driveway and, with the information from the rental agency in hand, follwed the sidewalk to the front door where a lock box was set into the wall to the left of the door.  I punched in the key code written on the paper and the lock box spilled a key into my palm.  I put it in the lock, turned the key and pushed open the door.

Orlando is a warm wet blanket of muggy heat in August, so that cool dry gust of air that pushes out the door when you first open it is such a kiss of relief.  I left the door open, pocketed the key, and walked back to the minivan to unpack.  I'd glanced inside and told everyone I thought they'd be happy.

We toured the house.  It was, as previously indicated, very nice.  Pool table, air hockey, TV's in all the rooms, clean, new, table set with wine glasses and nice linens, the master bedroom complete with swans sculpted from bath towels a la cruise ship...it was "move in" condition.  The pool was vaguely pear/kidney shaped and had a shallow end that was shallow enough for Lily to stand in and a 'hot tub' that overflowed into the shallow end.  The pool area itself was inside a netted enclosure so the bugs/lizards couldn't get in.  There was a table with cushioned straight-back chairs arrayed around it, and over by the hot tub were two reclining chairs.

This was home base, and probably my first "tip" to anyone doing this...

Tip 1:  Get a house.  If you're far enough off Disney property a vacation house is really affordable.  We were probably 20 minutes from Disney and the price was great.  We could cook meals for the kids (who are both picky) and everyone slept great (for the most part).  Both kids love the pool so we knew even if the day was a bust we could play all day in the pool and be relatively happy on off days, and we never had to worry about sharing with others.  (not that I have a problem sharing...but you know)

We had set the vacation up roughly as follows:

First Day/Night (Saturday):  Travel, unpack, get settled, put together a grocery list, order pizza, play by the pool.
Day 2 (Sunday):  Universal
Day 3 (Monday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 4 (Tuesday):  Disney
Day 5 (Wednesday):  Rest/recuperate/pool day
Day 6 (Thursday):  Sea World
Day 7 (Friday):  Pool day/pack up/clean up/travel home.

The idea was that we, not so much the kids, would need time to regroup after a day at an amusement park.  My sister had offered to help us by acting as support for Lily.  The entire family is very supportive of Lily but sometimes when we're encouraged to do things with the understanding that there'll be help to support Lily...we still end up focusing most of our attention on Lily and not on the thing we are trying to enjoy.  Sometimes it's just because we can be overbearing and "take over", sometimes it's because while everyone is enjoying whatever it is...they lose sight of what Lily's into, and if someone's not taking the lead on Lily, then the hive mind just assumes someone else is in charge.  But for whatever reason...this vacation did not go down that road.

My sister's kids were on vacation with their dad, and so Dawn was free (sorry if I'm not supposed to out you, Dawn, but I can edit it out later) and after a conversation with Leslie had offered to fly down for the first few days of our vacation...more or less to allow us more flexibility to pursue things that were geared for Emma but less likely to appeal to Lily.  Or for us just to go out and have dinner as a couple.  One of the highlights of the trip for me was just how smitten Lily became with Dawn being around.  The house, which was obviously not our house, became "Dawn's house".  When we were returning from something it was to go to Dawn's house.  Dawn used our "first/then" scheduling without really formally referring to it as such, which is always better with Lily..."First the storm has to be over...THEN we can go to the pool" and Lily would check in dozens of times..."Dawn?  Is the storm over?"  She'd climb into her lap and get uncomfortably close to her face and ask "When is pool time?"  It was nice to the see the interaction because Dawn's schedule is extremely hectic, and ours isn't much better, so their time together is birthdays and holidays for the most part.

I know I keep referring to Disney, but one of the biggest parts of the trip was centered around visiting the Harry Potter attraction at Univeral.  Because Leslie, Emma and I are all fans, and because we wanted to be able to ride the rides together, and not split apart so someone could be with Lily, Dawn's offer to help allowed the three of us to visit Universal while Lily and Dawn stayed behind and played in the pool.  If Dawn blogged, perhaps she could tell you how her day went...but ours was spectacular.

I feel like this almost needs its own Part...Part 3:  Universal, but I think I'm going to have at least one or two more parts as it is, so if this post gets a bit long, I apologize.  (I don't really care, but I think it's polite to apologize when inconveniencing other people.  Leslie's not here to counsel me on this...she's my moral/emotional compass.)

Universal:

With Lily safely in Aunt Dawn's care, we set off for Universal.  For me, Universal was probably the highlight of the vacation.  This is written with no small amount of guilt.  To say that Universal was the highlight is to imply that "being without Lily was the highlight", so I want to make sure I qualify this properly.  Being at Universal, and doing all the fun things that *I* wanted to do, rather than standing on the sidelines while others did it and I watched, or consoled, or redirected, was for me...a bit of a vacation.  I'm not a big rider, but I rode several moderately tame rides, most of which were virtual and so didn't scare the witless shit out of me.  So I actually "enjoyed" the park itself where typically I'm just an observer.  So despite the guilt of saying it...Universal was more fun than Disney, and more fun than Sea World.  And although the pool play was awesome...I can play in the pool with the kids in Pittsburgh.  So Universal it is.

Jurassic Parking

Tip 2:  Pay for preferred parking.  At Universal (and Sea World) they offer you the possibility of parking closer to the entrance.   This option ended up costing us another $6...but it was either $16 or $22, and in the end, as the Orlando sky opened up and relieved itself of all the pent up humidity via nightly thunderstorm...it paid for itself in that we remained undrenched.

Tip 3:  Take some time to go over the map of whatever park you're in.  Identify the rides you think will be fun, or are appropriate, and plan your progression through the park based on that.  I probably could have done a better job of that throughout the vacation, but where we did it best was at Universal.  And to be fair, Universal is probably the easiest to do that with, since Disney is immense.

Universal is split into two parks...Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure.  We elected to follow the route that would take us to Harry Potter quickest, which meant going to Islands of Adventure first.

The very first attraction was Suess Landing, and because I'm a chickenshit rider, we all felt confident that if I rode nothing else all day, at least I would be brave enough to tackle Suess Landing's offerings.  And I was.  I kicked ass at those rides.  But there was deep pang of regret as we climbed aboard what I felt (at the time) was a ride Lily would not only be capable of riding, but would enjoy.  And I started second-guessing leaving her behind.  And I felt like we were on a family vacation, but the family wasn't together.  And I felt like I'd betrayed her.  That I, her chiefest advocate (in a tie with her mother, of course) had taken the path of least resistance.

I think after Disney I could put aside those feelings, and indeed even as we progressed through Universal I was more and more comfortable with our decision as the park got progressively more intense heading toward Hogwarts.  But accompanying us on those first couple rides guilt rode passenger.  I managed to put on a brave face regardless.

The next attraction was The Lost Continent, and we stood in the long line to visit "Poseidon's Fury" which ended up being a moderately campy interactive "tour" of a lost tomb complete with story line in which we (the throngs of people crowding the darkened chamber) were playing the role of tourists trapped by circumstance in a war of gods.  It did my heart good that this was the next stop on our visit, because there is no way in hell Lily could have managed this.  Very crowded, very noisy, periods of prolonged darkness, thunder and lightning (big fear factor for Lily), fire...she'd have been traumatized.

That said...the end of Poseidon's Fury was actually pretty cool...campy or not.

There's so much to be said about how Universal shook out.  But I'm going to try to encapsulate it as briefly as I can and then just bombard you with pictures.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was awesome.  Lots of pictures of that.  There are a few rides, and many attractions and lots of picture-worthy nooks and crannies.  We visited Ollivander's wand shop for a presentation of "How the wand chooses the wizard".  Emma got picked as the young wizard who would demonstrate, which was great...we bought the wand, of course.

Hogwarts and the half virtual-half actual ride was awesome.  It got pretty intense for me, but if I can handle it, anyone can.

We had butterbeer and bought chocolate frogs and we all left with souvenirs...some of us more than one.

We could probably have spent more time there, but the ticket got us into both parks, and I wasn't really sure how we were going to accomplish that anyway, so we moved through the park.  Emma and Leslie rode some rides I didn't think I could handle, then we all rode the Spider-man virtual ride (also a bit intense at times, but okay for me) and ended Islands of Adventure with "The Hulk" which had just reopened and had NO line.  Really, the lack of crowd was great.

We meandered over to the other park, and ate dinner at Hard Rock (I ate a ridiculous hamburger) before visiting the Transformers ride (also fun) and then (when we found that ET was closed) wandering back over the bridge to our car as the rain started falling.

It was probably more than I've ever participated in an amusement park.  Coincidentally it was probably the best time I've had at an amusement park. 

Our day ended, we drove back home through the storm and arrived safely at "Pepper".

Story continued here:  Day 3: Disney's "magic"

Some eye candy: