Special needs kids and confidence

Day 20.  We are two thirds of the way there, and on this, the holiest of days, I bring you another serious topic, that of developing confidence in special needs kids.

First, I really am not qualified to say "this will build confidence in kids" or more..."this will build confidence in special needs kids", but I can tell you how I treat my kids.  I can tell you how I hope that how I'm raising them helps them as confident individuals growing up.

I try never to downplay or belittle my children's fears.  When they come to me and tell me they're afraid of something.  I tell them that I understand.  I never tell them to suck it up or stop being wusses.  I acknowledge their feelings and I offer ways to help them cope. I talk to them about their fears.

I freely offer affection.  I give hugs and kisses and snuggle wherever and whenever my kids want.  I don't tell them to "get over it" or "stop being a baby", I want them to always know that they have someone to comfort them.  That I'm always a safe place.  I want them to always feel protected.  Before I ever even had kids I'd heard (and I can't even tell you where or who...) that withholding affection from kids...you know, to toughen them up...did the opposite.  It made kids feel less secure with parents and less sure of themselves.  And that kids who got affection and more attention tended to feel secure.  Not that I'd have it any other way, but that would be the excuse I'd offer if anyone were to accuse me of "coddling" them.  I'm not coddling them.  They have limits and they know them.  They are disciplined.  But the hug well is bottomless.

I compliment them on things that they do right/well...or things that they did poorly that they got better at.  I try to compliment them on everything, not just "pretty princess" stuff.  I tell them when I think they're saying smart things, or being funny, or when they look pretty, or make an athletic play.  I want them to know that when they do well, I notice. 

I tell them I'm proud of them, I ask them to tell me whether they feel proud of themselves.  If not, i ask why.  I try to explain why I think they should be proud of themselves despite their reasons. 

I try not to ask too much of them.  I try to set small goals and allow them to achieve them before advancing to harder goals.  I like them to feel they're doing well.  I like them to have successes upon which to build.

But...I know parents who feel like they did everything right and their kids still struggle with self esteem.  So I don't know.  School can be awesome, or socially crippling, and I can't do anything to make it better except to listen when they come to me.

I don't know, I guess the summary is...

Let your kids know you love them
Let your kids FEEL that you love them
Let your kids know you are proud of them
Encourage them to feel proud of themselves.

My Compliments

Emma and Lily in the "yellow room"

My wife picked up Emma from a play date yesterday.  Sidebar:  I asked Emma last night if they still call them play dates and she said, "No.  We call them hangouts."  Ahem...My wife picked up Emma from a "hangout" yesterday.  We were talking about the parents, who seem nice enough, and who seem to like Emma.  Leslie told me that the other girl's mother thinks Emma is a really talented singer and that she should sing at the talent show this year. 

Emma will not sing in front of us, so we were trying to figure out how Emma had happened to break into song while she was at a friend's house, in front of parents she really didn't know that well.  I'm still not certain we got to the bottom of that mystery, but we dug a little deeper into why she wouldn't sing for US.

Leslie:  So would you ever just sing a song for us?
Emma (shifting uncomfortably in her seat):  No.
Leslie and I:  Why not?
Emma:  I don't know.  
Me:  Oh come on!  Why not.
Emma:  I don't...you guys will just compliment me.
Me (squinting at her):  And...you don't like being complimented?
Emma:  It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I thought about this a little.  I often have a difficult time accepting compliments.  They make me feel uncomfortable.  I'm not sure why exactly, but sometimes it's because I'm not sure the compliment is sincere, or sometimes because I'm not sure the person giving the compliment understands the context in which whatever I'm doing is framed (like when I draw or write and someone says I'm really good...what is the frame of reference...this is hard to explain...like if all you ever read are kid's stories, and then you read my blog and say, "Wow!  This is great!" maybe it's different than if all you read is Cormack McCarthy and you say, "Wow!  This is great!"  Hopefully that makes sense).  Anyway, I tried these explanations out on Emma to see if that was what she was feeling.

Emma:  No.  Not really, it just makes me feel funny.  I don't like it.
Me:  Hmm.  
Leslie:  What if we listened to you sing and didn't say anything nice?
Emma:  You'd have a look on your face or something.  It would still be weird.  And you'll tell me all the stuff I could be doing better.
Me:  What if we promised to just stare at you expressionlessly and when you were done just turn our backs on you and walk out?
Emma (laughing):  That might be better.
Leslie:  What if we insulted you?
Emma:  That wouldn't be as uncomfortable.
Me:  Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with compliments.  But when you get them, it doesn't matter whether you believe you deserve them or not, or whether you think the person giving them is being honest or not.  Just say, "Thank you."
Emma:  I know.  It's just uncomfortable.
Me:  We don't mean to make you uncomfortable, Emma.  We just want you to know your value.
Emma:  What do you mean?
Me:  I mean, I tell you nice things because I want you to know you're smart or funny or talented, or pretty.  I repeat them over and over so you always hear them from us and you never doubt that we meant them.  I want you to recognize how awesome you are.
Emma (shifting uncomfortably)

I sighed.  I'm still not sure exactly what it is, but I didn't want to push it any more.

Me:  You're a horrible little girl and an embarrassment to the family.
Emma (smirking and looking up at me):  Thank you, daddy.
Me:  You're welcome, baby.