Long Time No See

Anytime I don't blog for a while I look back at it and think...god, there's so much to catch up on.  And strangely, or maybe completely normally...that muchness stops me from blogging anything at all...which feeds itself and etc etc.

So this is a quick catch-up post (no, mid westerners...not fucking catsup...jesus)

The walk went great...EXCEPT...it was pouring.  And I still have some general housekeeping stuff to take care of, including depositing a couple of the checks made out to me and writing a check made out to Autism Connection of Pennsylvania hereafter referred to as AC/PA.  Please pay someone on fiver to create that logo in AC/DC font...five dollars!

I've been struggling with this weird allergy-related (i think) cough for the past four weeks.  I want it to go away.  Lily too has spent the last month and a half in various stages of allergic or general sick-related behavior...coughing, runny nose, stupid sleep schedule...

And that in turn affects me when I choose to do adulty things despite knowing full well that they have the potential to come back and bite me in the ass.

Por ejemplo...

I went to Game 5 of the Pens/Lightning playoffs on Sunday.  It went into overtime and I had been drinking, and (after ubering home) got to bed at around 1:30.  And then Lily got up at about 4:30 and I woke up to attempt to get her back to bed bleary eyed and staggering down the hall...to finally soothe her into slumber at about 5.  I thought to myself...'at least tomorrow is Sunday'.  Cause it felt like it was a Saturday night...and the realization fell upon me like the proverbial hammer blow...my alarm is going off at 5:30 for work.  It's Monday.

Fine...whatever...I'll catch up with my sleep on Monday night, I thought.  And I put Lily to bed around 9.  I put a little Vicks under her nose in hopes that it would ease her breathing.   Then I finished lunches and stuff and probably collapsed into bed somewhere around 12:30.

I heard her stir around 1.  I'm not sure when she woke.  I let her stir a bit.  I was so tired.  I heard some weird sound though, and got out of bed to check on her.  She was sitting up in bed wide awake.  On the bed was an open jar of vicks.  I had left it on the headboard.  It's like I'm new here.  It was on her arms and face and in her hair and on the bedding.  I tried to get as much off as I could and finally got her to bed around 2:30 in the morning.  The alarm rang at 5:30 and I was like...Nope.

I got up and got the kids ready.  I gave Lily a quick bath, attempting to get as much of the vicks off her and her hair as I could and the kids went to school and I sent my boss a text and went back to bed, napping off and on until about 1 in the afternoon.

There are just no guarantees as a parent, and when you make the decision to party...you still have responsibilities to take care of...and there's nobody but you that can carry those out.  fYou choose to pretend that you don't have those responsibilities and sometimes the universe reaches out to gently (or not so gently) remind you that it isn't so.l  So I sort of got stretched thin.  And when I don't get enough sleep...and enough to me is about three hours less than most people...five works typically...six is like sleeping in...my patience gets MARKEDLY worse.

Tuesday she slept all night.  She HAD to have been tired as hell.  She woke up at five, but that works for me...only a half hour until the alarm rings.  I just start my day a hair early.  I got a little bead bracelet in the mail that day.  Something that I thought looked cool and was only $8, so I amazoned it.

Wednesday she slept like shit again and was a huge pill all morning.  Just stupid little stuff all morning...screaming, spitting, defiance...her nose was stuffy, and I'm sure that was a big part of it...coupled with her shitty sleep.

And as each little thing piled up in the stress queue I could feel my chest tighten up and the burn build and she bit through the little bead bracelet and beads scattered across the floor and I had a LITERAL jumping up and down (like you should have seen it.  It had to have been comical) temper tantrum.  The house shook from the jumping (I'm addressing this on the treadmill currently).  And then she was on the bus and on her way to school and I had a day to just be depressed about losing my shit so thoroughly and got home and started all over again...

But she slept fine Thursday night and I woke feeling more or less repaired.  We had a nice morning and I sent her to school happy.

So recap:  I didn't get a lot of sleep.  I lost my patience.  I lost my shit.  I got both back after a good night's sleep Thursday and Friday and I'm back and better than ever.

I had a friend tell me that I needed to be more flexible...that I needed to be more spontaneous.  She was kidding...to an extent.  But I told her then, "Responsibility is the natural enemy of spontaneity."

Ironically I think I COULD be more spontaneous if I was a little better prepared.  If I had plans in place at all times I could probably just go grab a drink or a bite to eat or see a band at a bar or something, but getting those plans in place is...part of the responsibility.  And it's exhausting to have all of that planning in place just to support the possibility that something fun will come up.  It's just not something that I think single parents can do.

And please...no plea for pity here...i get SO MUCH help and support from my parents and Leslie's parents...even from Emma, who watches Lily these days so that I can spread my wings a little.  But I need to keep remembering the consequences for too much fun and too little preparation.  Because the responsibility part is my priority.

Anyway...school is about to end and the kids' recital is only a week away and some of the schedule fullness and stress is hopefully going to alleviate and let me calm down a bit.

I met with Watson (Lily's school next fall) to go over her intake IEP.  It went well.  Tickets are lined up for the recital and I have a plan in place for Lily during the dance.   Vacation is scheduled and paid for.  Steeler season tickets are ordered and paid for.

The last looming thing is school.  Lily's home for the past six years...Marzolf...ends.  I have to write about that separately.  Lots of stuff there.  Lots of emotion.  Lots of gratitude.

But that's for another post.

All caught up for now.  Ish.

The Weaning Continues...

Yesterday was a "bad" accident day for Lily.  Certainly in terms of her recent near-potty-trainedness, you have to go back several months or possibly even a year to encounter a five-accident day.  But yesterday was one of them.  

Leslie, overwhelmed by people tracking in and out of the house, and the fifth accident as Lily's therapist was arriving and a friend showed up to take Emma to dance started second-guessing the decision to pull back on Tenex.  She's under some stress here because I think she feels that because my recollection of the pre-tenex behavior is different than hers, and because I was more or less happy with the medication, any decrease is "her" decision.

But it's not.  It's ours.  Even though I was happy with where she was at, I see no harm in weaning her off it and taking better notes this time around to see what we're really gaining, as opposed to just assuming we gained something.

Back to yesterday...it has been her habit to text me with the day's results from school:  good day/bad day...potty accidents/no potty accidents...ate well/ate poorly...etc.  

So yesterday was a bad day in terms of accidents, but a GREAT day in terms of her eating and her behavior.  Accidents have always really been a stress point for us for a variety of reasons, but ultimately we DO want her focused.

Leslie expressed her concerns/second-guesses regarding the Tenex and I told her we need to stay the course, that possibly Lily's body IS feeling different with this lower dose, and that she's not really sure how to process it, that once she stabilizes, we might see no difference in behavior/accidents/eating/sleeping...or big differences, but that this was JUST.  ONE.  DAY.  

By the time I got home, Leslie was back in the game again.  

Lily was stuffy.  It was my night to put her to bed, and although there was some minor tooth clashing...she went to sleep without too much trouble.  BUT...she woke several times, whimpering and crying, sneezing and unable to get comfortable.  Anticipating trouble, I went to bed early, fearing for my sleep.

Sure enough, Lily was up at 11, and 12, and 1, and 2...and at 3 o'clock we gave her motrin (she was mildly warm) and she fell asleep for the rest of the night (6 a.m.).  I found myself very impatient with her last night.  Usually I'm pretty mild and positive and supportive even in the wee hours of the morning, but last night I was just in a bad place.  I wasn't as patient with the sneezing in the face as I can be.  So rather than get upset with Lily about not being able to get calmed down or "be healthy" (both of which are outside her control), I woke up Leslie and "tagged out".  

I don't always recognize when I'm losing patience or when I'm not in the right frame of mind to deal with issues...but last night I did.  And luckily, Leslie was able to leap (slowly, in a lazy-lidded zombie shamble) into action, giving Lily the warm body, soothing words, and patient responses she needed to settle down and get back to sleep.  As a result neither of us slept particularly well, but Leslie probably took the lion's share of the work.  And she also typically needs more sleep than I do, so I know she's going to be tired.

Is this the Tenex?  Not sure.  I suspect it's just Lily getting sick that led to the accidents.  Not sure about the tooth clashing thing...that's something she did before we put her on Tenex, but it ALSO might be because she's feeling sick. Time will tell.

Anyway, Leslie just got home and shot me off a text to tell me about Lily's day that I purposely misunderstood because I'm "funny"...

And Leslie was so tired, she didn't even comment.  Or it wasn't funny.  But that doesn't sound right.  Anyway, you'll all be happy to know that Leslie didn't have any accidents today and neither did I.

(But also that Lily rebounded from a five accident day to zero).