The Summertime Girls

Lately I'm really struggling to start posts.  So...I don't.  I have a half-written tribute to Lily's school that I started on her last week, and she's already starting ESY at her new school.

Father's Day was Sunday.  I felt sad.  Maybe a bit sorry for myself.  It seemed to me that somehow I was sadder this year than I was last, and I feel like I probably just am not remembering correctly.  Last year we were at the beach.  Summer vacation.  It was...not what it once was.  But maybe just having vacation stuff to do pushed Father's Day stuff onto the back-burner and made that observance seem less sad than it might have.

It ends up being a weird circular celebration where my parents take Emma out to shop for me, and I give them a budget for Emma to buy a present to give me and then I pay them back.  It seems sort of sad.  It's ultimately no different from a balance sheet perspective.  When Leslie would take charge of Father's Day the debit came from the exact same account as this one did.  But she knew how to make it seem like a special occasion for me.  And too much of that now falls to Emma, who is as scattered and unfocused about those sorts of things as you might expect your average 14 year old girl might be.

So I was feeling a bit sorry for myself but we went to my parent's house and had a cookout and a good time and ultimately it was a very nice Father's Day, I just think I was moody and more fragile than I typically like to think myself.  We left that night and I got a great photo of the kids and I on my phone (Emma is a bit out of focus and looking slightly off 'camera' but it's probably one of the best pictures of the three of us ever)...but forgot to get one with MY dad.  Or my father-in-law.  I can be just as scattered as Emma, apparently.  Or perhaps we just know where she got it.

the best picture ever taken of the three of us.

ESY started for Lily on Monday.  ESY is "Extended School Year".  It's a school thing to help Lily keep some of the skills she picked up from last school year so that she doesn't regress over the long vacation.  Anyway, she has to ride a bus all the way to her new school, and I was a little edgy about the whole thing.  I got up a little extra early on Monday and had all her clothes laid out and supplements ready, and just tried to be extra organized so that the stress of this "first" wouldn't create problems.

Part of the stress of ESY is getting Lily on board, but she was fine getting on the bus (which arrived 20 minutes late.  I tried...so hard...not to call the bus company.  But I did.) and had what appeared to be a great first day.  Lily's teacher called me on my cell and just sort of gave me the verbal version of what she'd written in Lily's communication log.  Sounds like it went just about as well as I could have hoped.

Today before the bus arrived Lily said, "I can go to camp today?" and happy tears collected in the corners of my eyes as I furiously scribbled this into the communication log to send back to ESY this morning.

This kind of thing is exactly what Leslie would have stressed out about so much.  And I would compartmentalize it because, let's face it, Leslie had it covered, and I probably was not so understanding about how much stress she was under.  And now that stress falls to me and I can sort of get into my wife's head, absorbing that worry until it swells and I can physically feel the stress fill my chest like a helium balloon.  And then I remember to write lists...and it helps:

'call bus company

pack sun screen

pack lunch

arrange pickup'

So immediately after hearing about Lily's first day, I wanted to call Leslie and tell her.  Reassure her.  Lily's going to be okay.  Lily did great.  And so that was yet another happy/sad.  

Meanwhile Emma's summer is sort of just...going on.  In the background my teenager is experiencing her first "real" summer; the kind of summer I had when I was a kid.  She can stay at home by herself, go to the pool with friends, walk to her friend's house to hang out, go to movies...this is her first real taste of "freedom".  And although it feels like she's sort of the 'forgotten' kid in terms of making arrangements or whatever, it only feels that way to me.  To her I think the world is her oyster.  She is eager to be left alone.  Given space.  Allowed options. 

She started her volunteer work at Glade Run yesterday.  It's hard work and her feet were tired from pulling horses by lead ropes through the thick new sand of the coral.  She's not working full time this year the way she did last year.  I think it's more manageable this way, and more fun.

the best picture ever taken of a family member (glade run from last year)

This morning the bus was on time, and Lily was eager to go to "camp" and I noticed that instead of a seat by herself, or with a monitor...they put her next to "Lilly with two Els", who introduced herself to me as I was getting Lily up the steps of her bus yesterday.  She's a pretty, older girl, probably in her teens, and I don't think I knew how important it was for me to see Lily with other kids, because I almost started to cry.  I've never had an issue with Lily not really expressing any desire for social contact.  She's content solo, or seems to be, and I can honestly say that has given me no qualms.  But today when she was sitting down next to Lilly with two Els I got that heart swelling (non-medical) feeling and just felt really happy for her.  

And...honestly...If Lily is pissed she'll probably swat the girl next to her and they'll move her or whatever, but I'm going to preserve that image in my head and heart until I hear otherwise.  It was just very sweet.  

Nice way to start my day.

Happy Hour

One of the things Leslie told me I needed to do while we were in the hospital together, knowing the end was coming, was, "make friends."  I rarely went out even before Leslie was sick.  I preferred time with the family to time away.  I still do.  But now I feel like I need to be social with people.  Let them in.  Back then I didn't need friends.  I had Leslie.  She was always enough socialization for me. Now...

I went to a Happy Hour with work people a month or more ago.  First time I've done it in years.  Literally years.  At some point during the happy hour a girl, new to the company, was talking to me.  We had been talking about her husband and their dogs.  She pointed across the table to my ring and said, "I see you're married."  Asked me about it. 

I had known it was coming.  Had pictured that moment in my mind.  I didn't know it would be that night.  I thought about what I'd say.  How do you tell someone who has no idea that your wife recently died?  How do you do it in a way that doesn't make them feel like a total asshole?  I didn't let myself come up with an answer though, mentally changed the subject until just then, that night, and she popped that cherry and I found myself completely unprepared.

Everything now seems so pregnant with meaning.  I'm no longer officially married, but I wear a ring.  When do you take off your wedding ring?  Everyone tells me, "When it feels right."  It doesn't feel right.  But I can't help thinking about it.  When will it feel "right"?  That answer seems too simple.  It will never feel right, because the minute I think it feels right I will also feel like I'm betraying her.  Betraying us.  Facebook rolled out this new profile video thing, and I was like..."oooh, cool!" and before I could think about it, I took this stupid little 10 second video and it replaced my profile picture.  And a minute later I was like..."Shit!  That just changed it from the picture of Leslie and I!"  I used to change my profile picture relatively frequently.  Now I can't do it without second-guessing what messages people will glean from it. 

I took my ring off a couple nights ago and massaged my ring finger like she used to, and it made me think about this.  Then I slid it back on.  Maybe it will feel right someday.  Maybe everyone is right.  Whether they are or aren't...today is not that day.  But maybe I'll know when it is.

"Uhhh," I said, unhelpfully, looking down at my ring, twisting it nervously, "It's sort of weird situation."  It was a horrible non-answer.  I wanted to deflect the question, make it disappear, but my answer just invited curiosity.  She guessed wrong and congratulated me for getting out of a bad relationship.  I let out a long breath and said, more or less, "It's not that.  My wife passed away a few months ago."  And into the shocked inhalation and near comical gesture, her hand going to her mouth, immediate apology on her lips, mortification evident, I quickly said, "You had no way of knowing.  It's weird.  I have this ring, and it's obvious from the ring that I'm married, anyone would think it, and it's just that I'm not ready to take it off yet." Words tumbled out quickly, I tried my best to make her feel better.  It wasn't her fault.

Next to me was a woman who had lost her husband perhaps a decade before.  She pointed to her right hand and said, "I still wear mine.  I just moved it to my other hand." More apologies followed.  The night was ending anyway.  I'd had my beer.  Had my second.  Paid the tab.  I was leaving anyway...but what a way to end it.

So...I'm making friends.  Sort of.  

I miss just rolling out of bed and having a friend to talk to.  Not just anyone, obviously, I mean, I miss Leslie in particular.  But I mean, when you get married, assuming you get along as well as Leslie and I did, you always have adult conversation.  You always have company.  I miss Leslie specifically , but I miss company in general, and conversation, even arguments.  I don't want to make it sound pathetic, because I think somehow it always sounds pathetic when people say it, but I get lonely at times.  Not cripplingly lonely, it's not a cry for help, or an open invitation to drop by (I don't love that), but just missing the mundane day-to-day feeling of being around people I enjoy.  The banter.  Even the small talk.  It's out there for me all the time via social media or whatever, but in person is so much harder. 

I've gone to a local microbrewery a couple times with a couple different friends.  I'm realizing that "making friends" or even maintaining existing friendships requires a bit of work.  I'd love to just "go out" to grab a beer or two and come home, but I have to schedule it, line up a babysitter, that kind of thing.  It's one thing to talk to a friend about "grabbing a beer" and then a whole new thing to actually execute that plan.

I went to meet some "internet friends" recently.  It was fun, but even that wasn't without its strangenesses, since most of my internet friends are female, and I worry what Emma will think.  When I say I'm going to meet a friend from out of town and use the "she" pronoun, I immediately worry what she'll think.  We went to dinner and had drinks, and the idea of getting Uber or a taxi or something exhausted me as I then tried to figure out...how will I get my car back?  So I stopped drinking.  I got "lost" on the way home (phone gps wasn't updating as quickly as I needed it to) and ended getting home about 30 minutes late.  I ended up paying the sitter for 8 hours, and then thought...oh my god, has it really been eight hours??  But I left at 4:30 and I didn't get in until 12:30.  I paid her for an actual eight hour work day...  THAT shit will get expensive. 

And then I think...I had fun, I'd love to do it again, but think...Emma...money...get a sitter...and then think, "I'll give it some time."  Anyway...I started writing this post weeks ago.  The day after the happy hour, actually, and then forgot I started it.  Then I wrote a post for Healthline (which was sweet because I actually got paid for it) here:  http://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/explaining-death-to-children, and one for Glade Run (which was sweet because I got etc etc) here:  http://gladerun.org/blog/2015/10/06/you-should-have-written-this-post/.  But I think I'll write about the day we got married next. 

I can always go back in time and write about the stuff that we did before we were 'legit' another time, but we've been watching the video of our wedding a lot lately (Lily calls it "Mommy Video") and so it's pretty fresh in my mind.