Monday, December 4, 2017

The Fabulous Stains

"Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains", was a movie that came out in 1981.  It was about punk rock and about feminism, and a super young Diane Lane played the lead.  I'd never hear of it, but maybe 1985 or '86, they showed it on USA network's Night Flight.  I never really understood Night Flight, but it was trippy late night TV mostly centered around music, but I'd often watch the obscure movies they'd show.  In the case of the Fabulous Stains, I'm pretty sure I just wanted to see if they'd show Diane Lane naked.  They didn't. 

None of this has anything to do with the post today...except the title. 

This morning I was looking out the kitchen window at my crappy patio table.  It was covered in mildew/moss stains from constant exposure to wet weather, and I had an epiphany.  "I'll bet Tilex would clean that right up!"  So after the kids were off to school, I got the Tilex from my bathroom and sprayed half of the table down.  I gave it a few minutes to work, and then, sure enough, the stains cleaned up almost without effort.  I was so excited I went back in the house, retrieved the Tilex and sprayed down the rest of the table.  It was good as new. 

I beamed.  At one point I brushed against the table and I remember thinking..."I gotta be careful" because I was wearing a good pair of pants and Tilex would bleach the shit out of them.  I also remember after thinking that I should be careful that "I probably shouldn't wear pants like this when cleaning with bleach."

Anyway...magical.  The stains came right off.  I took the Tilex back upstairs and was brushing my teeth.  In the mirror I could see my closed bathroom door.  It had a dark smudge on it very similar to the outside patio table and I thought..."I'll bet Tilex would clean that right up!"

The stain on the back of that door has been there...sort of present but somehow beneath my notice...for years.  It came right off. 

So THEN i thought...I ought to just clean this whole fucking door!  I was so excited.  Mad with cleaning power.  And as I wiped the sponge down the door panel, a large foaming splotch of Tilex dripped on my pants and IMMEDIATELY stained the navy blue pants pink where it landed.  Did I mention expensive? 

I was still sort of happy about the stain cleaning, but in the end I just sort of transferred stains from the patio table and door to my pants.  And now I have to get new pants.  I changed out of my navy pants and put on a lighter blue/grey pair I had before leaving for work.

I just spilled oil on them. 

So anyway.  Stains.  Fabulous.

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