I promise I'm going back to the Leslie story soon. I have pictures to find. I haven't been able to locate the ones I want yet. Also, I find that it's when I'm feeling saddest that I tend to also feel most driven to write. Which is actually good because the writing is cathartic and I end up feeling less sad when I'm done than I did when I started.
But I did want to just make a couple general statements about how I'm handling this whole grieving thing. First of all, thank you to everyone who has been so complimentary about how I'm doing this with the girls and our family, and I don't really know what to say except..."thank you" which I already said so now I feel stupid. And it's all your fault. No, but honestly, I'm just trying to really think this through and do what is healthiest for me and for the kids. I don't want the kids ever to be scared to talk to me. I don't want the kids ever to feel like they can't mourn because it upsets me. I don't want the kids ever to feel like they have to be strong for ME. I don't want the kids to ever be embarrassed about their grief. So I try to think about all those things when I'm talking to the girls, and specifically when I'm talking to Emma.
Back to me. A couple days ago I posted something on Facebook that I probably didn't think completely through. I'm typically pretty tight-lipped about my feelings (one of the things Leslie told me I needed to work on when she was gone) so when I posted that I was struggling and that I was going to log out for a while, I didn't anticipate people thinking I was maybe in crisis mode. And maybe you didn't. Maybe you just thought you'd be nice and check on me. Thank you for that. And sorry if you thought I was a wreck.
I'm discovering this weird phenomenon that I feel good about mourning, and I feel bad about having good days. And the bad feeling is driven by guilt over not mourning hard enough and the good feeling is driven by respect for Leslie's memory, and I'm not sure either is "right or wrong" per se, but that's what's going on. So in a weird sort of way, when I'm struggling...it feels right. It feels good that I'm sad about Leslie's passing. She was so important to me and so important to my family, and I'm strangely "at home" in my grief. I feel like grieving is normal and natural and so even though I said I was struggling the other day...I was fine. I was just sad. And that's okay. I'm okay with sad.
On the other hand there are times when I don't miss a beat, business as usual, I'm not even sad or thinking about her loss or her life, I'm just reacting or communicating or working or whatever, and while that means I'm not "struggling"...it also sort of makes me feel bad, because...well...shouldn't I be super sad? And I know the answer is no. Just like I know when I tell Emma the same thing, that she has to live her life, have fun with friends, laugh and giggle and do everything else that other 13 year old girls are doing that what I'm telling her is right and healthy, it's still something I feel and something I'm working through. I have to live my life and be happy and have fun with friends and laugh and ...maybe not giggle...maybe chortle or chuckle...and do whatever other 45 year old men are doing. But that feeling is there. I asked a grief expert if there's a term for this, but I haven't heard back.
I'm alright. I really am doing well on the whole with this. In general I consider each day a good day. And if I struggle a bit or I'm sad...that doesn't change the fact that it was a good day. I was just sad during my good day. I just wish I had Leslie to share my good day WITH. And that's the whole grief thing.
Our true life adventures...
Friday, April 24, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Just a Lil Walk IV
This is the fourth "walk" for the Walter family. The first walk without Leslie.
Leslie loved the walk. I know it delighted her how people came out of the woodwork online and in person to support little Lily. Autism was Leslie's cause. I know that it probably seems like maybe cancer could or should have been her cause, but Leslie was never comfortable with that. She never wanted to wear pink. She never wanted to broadcast her breast cancer. Supporting Lily was her cause. This walk was and is the "event" that the Walter family used to express that support. Please read below and consider joining us on May 16th as we walk for Lily. Leslie will be walking alongside all of us in spirit.
--------------------------
It's that time of year once more. I'm inviting friends and family to participate in Highmark's, "Walk for a Healthy Community" with us again this year. "Just a Lil Team" will once again be marching for Autism Connection of PA (aka ABOARD). The beauty of the walk is that 100% of the donations go to the charity.
Four years ago around September, when this blog was newer and greener, I broadcast a plea for help to the autism community at large and asked this question, "To whom should I donate my money if I want it to benefit autistic people and their families and caregivers?" That post is >>HERE<<. If you're getting this message via snail mail, you can't click the >>HERE<<, so stop trying, you're just tearing the paper. If you're getting this message and can click, but refuse, I'll summarize it:
Anyone who was autistic said, "Don't give money to Autism Speaks". There were a lot of reasons, and most of them were good. The consensus was, "give to someone who can help autistic people locally, or give to food banks or shelters", because the sad fact of life is that many autistic people not receiving supports or services are the people in the homeless shelters and benefiting from the food banks. I'm paraphrasing the masses (it was not a particularly well-commented blog post of mine, but linking from post to post by others who had covered the topic, that was the message I got). One local autistic adult mentioned ABOARD. They had helped her personally. I had attended a couple workshops they had put together with my wife, and had previously donated to them. They're the folks who put together the Autism Friendly Santa Visit at the mall, (they did one for the Easter Bunny too, but we didn't go).
Since then we've gone to many of their sponsored events:
autism-friendly:
days at an indoor playground
Santa
Trips to see the Pirates play
Nutcracker Ballet
Lion King
Art March
Gala
Symposium (in the Spring)
Grandparent seminars
And these are just the things our family has attended. They've become our personal pet Autism Charity. We're forming a team again this year, "Just a Lil Team", and using Lily as our rallying point. This is a cause that's important to her, or will be some day when she's able to take it up herself.
We'd love for you to join our team and walk with us on Saturday, May 16, 2015, at Stage AE on the North Shore in Pittsburgh, PA. (Registration is at 7:45 a.m., walks start at 9:00 and 9:15 a.m. if last year is any indication). OR...OR...you can sign up as a virtual walker. You don't have to be WITH us...to be with us. If that makes sense.
Here's the link: http://hcf.convio.net/site/TR/Pittsburgh/HighmarkWalk?team_id=5013&pg=team&fr_id=1478. If you click that it should take you to the page. Register as a walker, donate, or register as a virtual walker. If you are walking with us, please get word to me what your tshirt size is, so I can have enough shirts (and the right sizes) made.
I'll also link the event to the Just a Lil Blog Facebook page. I've set a goal of $3,000. I hope we beat it.
Lily and Emma and I will be down by the stadium at Stage AE on May 16th to walk. Whether we raise the $50 or $2500 or $10,000, we'll be there, and we'll have fun. And we'd love it if you could join us, or if you can't, if you could donate to the cause.
We have about three weeks to put together what we can sponsor/donation/team-wise so that I can get tshirts made for participants and make sure we get them in time for the walk. After about the first week of May, I won't be able to change the tshirt orders.
Thanks,
Just a Lil Walk Team (Jim, Leslie (in spirit), Emma and Lily)
Leslie loved the walk. I know it delighted her how people came out of the woodwork online and in person to support little Lily. Autism was Leslie's cause. I know that it probably seems like maybe cancer could or should have been her cause, but Leslie was never comfortable with that. She never wanted to wear pink. She never wanted to broadcast her breast cancer. Supporting Lily was her cause. This walk was and is the "event" that the Walter family used to express that support. Please read below and consider joining us on May 16th as we walk for Lily. Leslie will be walking alongside all of us in spirit.
--------------------------
It's that time of year once more. I'm inviting friends and family to participate in Highmark's, "Walk for a Healthy Community" with us again this year. "Just a Lil Team" will once again be marching for Autism Connection of PA (aka ABOARD). The beauty of the walk is that 100% of the donations go to the charity.
Four years ago around September, when this blog was newer and greener, I broadcast a plea for help to the autism community at large and asked this question, "To whom should I donate my money if I want it to benefit autistic people and their families and caregivers?" That post is >>HERE<<. If you're getting this message via snail mail, you can't click the >>HERE<<, so stop trying, you're just tearing the paper. If you're getting this message and can click, but refuse, I'll summarize it:
Anyone who was autistic said, "Don't give money to Autism Speaks". There were a lot of reasons, and most of them were good. The consensus was, "give to someone who can help autistic people locally, or give to food banks or shelters", because the sad fact of life is that many autistic people not receiving supports or services are the people in the homeless shelters and benefiting from the food banks. I'm paraphrasing the masses (it was not a particularly well-commented blog post of mine, but linking from post to post by others who had covered the topic, that was the message I got). One local autistic adult mentioned ABOARD. They had helped her personally. I had attended a couple workshops they had put together with my wife, and had previously donated to them. They're the folks who put together the Autism Friendly Santa Visit at the mall, (they did one for the Easter Bunny too, but we didn't go).
Since then we've gone to many of their sponsored events:
autism-friendly:
days at an indoor playground
Santa
Trips to see the Pirates play
Nutcracker Ballet
Lion King
Art March
Gala
Symposium (in the Spring)
Grandparent seminars
And these are just the things our family has attended. They've become our personal pet Autism Charity. We're forming a team again this year, "Just a Lil Team", and using Lily as our rallying point. This is a cause that's important to her, or will be some day when she's able to take it up herself.
We'd love for you to join our team and walk with us on Saturday, May 16, 2015, at Stage AE on the North Shore in Pittsburgh, PA. (Registration is at 7:45 a.m., walks start at 9:00 and 9:15 a.m. if last year is any indication). OR...OR...you can sign up as a virtual walker. You don't have to be WITH us...to be with us. If that makes sense.
Here's the link: http://hcf.convio.net/site/TR/Pittsburgh/HighmarkWalk?team_id=5013&pg=team&fr_id=1478. If you click that it should take you to the page. Register as a walker, donate, or register as a virtual walker. If you are walking with us, please get word to me what your tshirt size is, so I can have enough shirts (and the right sizes) made.
I'll also link the event to the Just a Lil Blog Facebook page. I've set a goal of $3,000. I hope we beat it.
Lily and Emma and I will be down by the stadium at Stage AE on May 16th to walk. Whether we raise the $50 or $2500 or $10,000, we'll be there, and we'll have fun. And we'd love it if you could join us, or if you can't, if you could donate to the cause.
We have about three weeks to put together what we can sponsor/donation/team-wise so that I can get tshirts made for participants and make sure we get them in time for the walk. After about the first week of May, I won't be able to change the tshirt orders.
Thanks,
Just a Lil Walk Team (Jim, Leslie (in spirit), Emma and Lily)
Monday, April 20, 2015
Always and Forever
Taking a break from remembering Leslie to talk a little bit about how we're doing...
Emma had a nice long weekend with friends...a sleepover, a birthday party, just hanging out. All different friends. She asked me about it.
"It feels weird that everyone wants to do stuff with me," she said, perhaps feeling strange accepting invitations that she worries came as a result of her mother's death.
"Em, these are your friends. They were your friends before too. It's natural for your friends to want to try to make you feel better, take your mind off things. These things are also kind of a wakeup call for people."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, sometimes in life you lose track of people. You go in different directions. You might not ever stop enjoying a person's company, but life gets in the way. Things get busy. You lose touch. A lot of times, these sorts of things wake people up to the fact that they miss you. And that they don't want to let time go by without spending time with you because every moment is precious. Don't think of this attention as 'pity', think of this as friends wanting you to know that they're there for you."
She mulled this over and seemed to accept it.
Last night she got home and I told her how I really hadn't gotten a chance to see her over the weekend. She said she was sorry and I told her not to apologize, that she needs a chance to be a kid and have fun and live her life. I told her I was just fine, but missed her. I asked her how she'd been, code for, were you sad while you were gone. She said she'd been fine.
She got ready for bed, and I busied myself cleaning or putting lunches together or something, and when I climbed the stairs to tuck her in (or the 13 year old equivalent...lie down, chat, kiss her goodnight and go) I found her crying on my bed.
"Awww, honey, what did it?"
"I was fine, and I came into your room to see if you were up here and I saw the bed, and mommy's side was still made, and unslept in, and it just made me think about her and how she's gone."
Ugh. We cried a little together and talked, and then she got up and went to bed and I followed her in. I eased back onto her bed and we chatted just a bit more before I kissed her goodnight. Before I left her room I told her, "I love you always and forever."
"Always and forever," she echoed.
A week ago Emma and I were comforting each other and she said, "Dad, when I'm much older, like in my late twenties or even thirties..." (Here I interupted her with some protest about how much older I must be if late twenties is "much older")..."I want to get a tattoo in an infinity sign that says "Always and Forever".
"Why that," I asked.
"It's what mommy said to me every night when she put me to sleep...'I love you, Em, Always and Forever."
Cue the fucking waterworks.
"Oh yeah," I said, remembering, "She said something different to each of you. To Lily she would say, 'I love you no matter what.' and Lily would always reply, 'No matter what!'"
And I was sooo tempted right then and there to say, "You can get that tattooed tomorrow!" but settled instead for, "Em, when you're old enough for a tattoo, I'll go with you to get it."
Every night since she told me that I stand in her doorway before turning off the light on her fish tank and closing her door and tell her, "I love you always and forever."
And Em replies, "Always and forever."
If you read this blog and you know Emma or talk to Emma, please don't mention Always and Forever to her. Right now I think she's holding it near and dear to her heart. I'll ask her tonight if she's prefer that was something just her mom used. I feel a little guilty using it myself, like I'm somehow usurping her mom's catch phrase, but I think she likes it.
One day at a time.
Emma had a nice long weekend with friends...a sleepover, a birthday party, just hanging out. All different friends. She asked me about it.
"It feels weird that everyone wants to do stuff with me," she said, perhaps feeling strange accepting invitations that she worries came as a result of her mother's death.
"Em, these are your friends. They were your friends before too. It's natural for your friends to want to try to make you feel better, take your mind off things. These things are also kind of a wakeup call for people."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, sometimes in life you lose track of people. You go in different directions. You might not ever stop enjoying a person's company, but life gets in the way. Things get busy. You lose touch. A lot of times, these sorts of things wake people up to the fact that they miss you. And that they don't want to let time go by without spending time with you because every moment is precious. Don't think of this attention as 'pity', think of this as friends wanting you to know that they're there for you."
She mulled this over and seemed to accept it.
Last night she got home and I told her how I really hadn't gotten a chance to see her over the weekend. She said she was sorry and I told her not to apologize, that she needs a chance to be a kid and have fun and live her life. I told her I was just fine, but missed her. I asked her how she'd been, code for, were you sad while you were gone. She said she'd been fine.
She got ready for bed, and I busied myself cleaning or putting lunches together or something, and when I climbed the stairs to tuck her in (or the 13 year old equivalent...lie down, chat, kiss her goodnight and go) I found her crying on my bed.
"Awww, honey, what did it?"
"I was fine, and I came into your room to see if you were up here and I saw the bed, and mommy's side was still made, and unslept in, and it just made me think about her and how she's gone."
Ugh. We cried a little together and talked, and then she got up and went to bed and I followed her in. I eased back onto her bed and we chatted just a bit more before I kissed her goodnight. Before I left her room I told her, "I love you always and forever."
"Always and forever," she echoed.
A week ago Emma and I were comforting each other and she said, "Dad, when I'm much older, like in my late twenties or even thirties..." (Here I interupted her with some protest about how much older I must be if late twenties is "much older")..."I want to get a tattoo in an infinity sign that says "Always and Forever".
"Why that," I asked.
"It's what mommy said to me every night when she put me to sleep...'I love you, Em, Always and Forever."
Cue the fucking waterworks.
"Oh yeah," I said, remembering, "She said something different to each of you. To Lily she would say, 'I love you no matter what.' and Lily would always reply, 'No matter what!'"
And I was sooo tempted right then and there to say, "You can get that tattooed tomorrow!" but settled instead for, "Em, when you're old enough for a tattoo, I'll go with you to get it."
Every night since she told me that I stand in her doorway before turning off the light on her fish tank and closing her door and tell her, "I love you always and forever."
And Em replies, "Always and forever."
If you read this blog and you know Emma or talk to Emma, please don't mention Always and Forever to her. Right now I think she's holding it near and dear to her heart. I'll ask her tonight if she's prefer that was something just her mom used. I feel a little guilty using it myself, like I'm somehow usurping her mom's catch phrase, but I think she likes it.
One day at a time.
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